Newly hired Arkansas Football Coach Bobby Cox emerges from the chrysalis he slept in throughout the winter, hungry for bone marrow and pineapple juice. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)
FAYETTEVILLE, ARKANSAS - Today, University of Arkansas Athletic Director Jeff Long announced that the position of head football coach for the 2012 season has been given to former Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox.
"Given the timing of Coach Petrino's dismissal, we knew our options were limited as far as finding someone to guide the program on a long-term basis. Rather than hiring some boring retread who lost to Northwestern, Purdue, and Minnesota in 2005, we decided to contact Mr. Cox in the spirit of 'fuck it.' Fortunately, he was very happy to oblige," said Long in a prepared statement.
Fourth on the all-time Major League Baseball managerial wins list, Cox has no football experience other than punching Falcons quarterback Billy Joe Tolliver in the solar plexus in 1992. A release circulated to members of the press pointed out that, despite his seeming lack of qualification, Cox had never lost the Humanitarian Bowl once, much less twice.
"I think Coach Cox is going to make a really strong addition to this team," commented starting quarterback Tyler Wilson. "Winning is winning, and he's proven he can do that consistently, rather than just stumble through some horrendous 2004 season where you open with a loss to Rutgers and close with another loss to Hawaii."
"Plus, it's going to be so exciting the first time he kicks turf all over Penn Wagers," Wilson added.
Many fans feared Long would make an unnecessarily conservative hire in the wake of the Petrino scandal, but immediate reaction on the internet was overwhelmingly positive. In an unofficial poll, 78% of Razorback fans said they supported Cox's hiring, while 13% were unsure and only 9% said Long should have hired some boring Big Ten washout with no history of success like Glen Mason or some shit.
Coach Cox did not take any questions from the media, electing to sleep through the event.
"This is a very exciting time for Arkansas football," insisted Long. "Some people will say it's unjustifiably risky to hire a seventy year old baseball retiree for this job, but we know that the SEC is a place where you have to bet big to win big. Our fans deserve to see a team that wins big. Hiring Bobby Cox gives us that chance, far more than poaching someone from an FCS school who only succeeded on the back of Dave Ragone."