"Shit, that's not a full moon, is it?" (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Chris Petersen continues to be the world's most dangerous man both because he cannot be bought outright, and also because he is so obviously a werewolf. Oh, the locals will deny it. Old Man Pete? He just likes a moonlight run like some people do. The dead chickens? Oh, those coyotes, again. They just like a snack.
That or some other unspoken compensation has to be the reason, since unlike every other successful college football coach in the country at the non-BCS level, Petersen has not been pried out of his comfy ass-groove on Boise's couch by money. That money for an open job could be damn near four million dollars at this point. Four million dollars is such an unreal sum to us we would reserve $100K just for sprinkling on food, because seriously, what does this green, shitty parsley even mean when you have that much of it.
Evidently, Petersen feels the same way. His new contract will pay him $1.7 million this year, and escalate past the $2 mil mark only in 2014. By comparison, Steve Spurrier and Bob Stoops both crossed the $2 mil mark in annual salary in the year 2001. Five For Fighting was menstruating into your ears when this happened, and we are now all officially very old.
This may mark Petersen as a lifer, but it also shows you that value means a lot of different things, and none of them make sense. A quick comparison of Petersen's salary to other people in charge of things will make you mad, confused, possibly teary, or all three at once.
- Brian J. Dunn, Best Buy CEO: $2.14 mil.
- Tyler Perry: $130 million
- Charlie Weis: $865K for Florida, and whatever ND paid him in addition to the 2010 payment of $6.6 million for his buyout
- Van Helsing had a $200m budget. That's not a salary, but shit, VAN HELSING.
- Adam Sandler: $20 mil for Jack and Jill alone.
- Rick Reilly: $3 million
- James Cameron: $5 million...just from Avatar toy licensing.
- Joker Phillips: $1.7 mil
Petersen may truly be a werewolf sheltered by the understanding, tolerant people of a grateful Boise. He may also be the most rational actor of all in seemingly ignoring the salary numbers past [LARGE SUM OF MONEY], too, because all of this is rational, and none of it makes any sense whatsoever. He could stay there forever and have everything he wants without ever leaving. That could, and likely is payment enough for him.
P.S. Also, werewolf.