FULMER CUPDATE: THE LAST BOY SCOUT

We have no big board today, so as a substitute we will take a request. Perhaps you remember the immortal film classic The Last Boy Scout, a Tony Scott production. If you do not, you need to revisit it because like all Tony Scott movies it is about awesome things happening on the screen at all times. Think Michael Bay but not with a brain injury, and you have Tony Scott.

In the first scene, Billy Cole, played by Tae-Bo creator Billy Blanks, goes insane after a threat from professional gambler Taylor Negron makes him take PCP and shoot several players on the field before killing himself. This plot was presented to adults, many, many adults, adults who all wrote checks happily to see it illustrated. America is the greatest country on the planet, and this is why. PCP needs to be a plot point in more films. This is especially true of PIxar films.

Warning: contains shooting and brains and stuff.

"Billy Cole" shoots himself at the end of the scene, making prosecution sort of pointless, but IF you added up the charges, this is how it would work. Cole straight up murders three people (including himself,) and that's a ten pointer by itself, so twenty points is just a starting point. He also shoots a teammate in the knee, quite a feat for an untrained marksman on PCP, but whatever, Tony Scott. You later feature someone falling into helicopter blades after being shot off a building, so this is all in key. That's assault with a deadly weapon at least, a full four pointer if we're scoring with intent, and we are.

Add in the bonus points of doing it on the field--which, incalculable as they are, we'll just round to ten or so--and you're looking at a full 44 point offense for Cole's epic run. The worst part is that Cole doesn't even need the gun, since he trucks two defenders and embarrasses another before the rampage. PCP is the perfect football drug as long as you don't start hearing the tin demon apes telling you to do bad things. (But you will always hear the tin demon apes, because it's PCP.)

Fulmer Cup scores and points follow.

OREGON RULES THE ROADS. Josh Huff, standout Oregon wide receiver, was moving at Chip Kelly speed with Christopher Hitchens clarity in Eugene, and that will get you a DUI charge no matter how eloquently you state your case. Oregon is this year's team that should never get in cars for any reason until Georgia Bulldogs' players reclaim their crown. Phil Knight is, at this moment, working on some kind of elaborate Habitrail system for Oregon players to take around Eugene like gigantic tipsy hamsters on nights out on the town. You'll want one. Stop lying.

Two points for the garden variety DUI and a bonus point for being underage gets Oregon three more points in the Fulmer Cup. It is officially your move, motoring footballers of Clark County, GA.

SAN DIEGO STATE CONTINUES TO COMPETE IN SOMETHING. Dontrell Onuoha's assault case has yielded two felony charges, taking SDSU to six points with two three-point assault charges in a group fight. The fight started when the victim's fraternity would not allow football players into a party. After the beating, the football players in question returned to ovations and cheers, and were allowed whatever they wanted! No one said football players were dumb, but no one said they were brilliant, either.

WASHINGTON STATE HAS ENOUGH FOG THANK YOU. Cougars LB Sekope Kaufusi didn't shell out for the vaporizer, and the smoke and the complaints that inevitably follow it got a warrant filed for a search, two misdemeanor weed charges, and now him getting kicked off the Wazzu team by Mike Leach. Two points for the quietly productive Wazzu Cougars.

TAKE IT AWAY KATY PERRY.

Last Friday night

Thinks we did too many shots

And got woke up by the cops

Got a taser in my crotch

Last Fridayyy niiiight

According to the complaint and affidavit, an Ames Police officer responded to a call made at 2:19 a.m. regarding a male that was passed out in the third-floor hallway at the Chamberlain Lofts complex. Upon arrival, the officer found the male, Richardson, and shook him several times to wake him up. Once awoken, the officer told Richardson to stay on the ground, but Richardson pushed the officer away from him and stood up. The officer told Richardson several times to stay on the ground before Richardson clenched his fists and took a step toward the officer in "an aggressive manner," according to the report.

It ended with the cops applying voltage to Iowa State TE Pierce Richardson, whose two misdemeanor charges (public intox, interfering with a public official) combine with a bonus point for a quality tasering for three points total. Paul Rhoads is, you know, not real proud to be your football coach at the moment, but that's on you, Sleepy.

Full scores will be updated here, most likely.

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