Dear [YOUR NAME HERE]
I'm aware you have a lot of options when it comes to your college football product this weekend. That's why I'm writing you today, [YOUR NAME HERE.] I want to invite you to be part of our family. Our Longhorn family.
The Texas Longhorn's important game against [THE TEXAS LONGHORNS] airs this weekend. It's going to be an exciting game, and I think you'll enjoy the commitment and character put on the field by our fine Longhorn football players. In particular, I think you should follow [MALCOLM BROWN]. He's an exciting young player, the kind we like to have for our Texas football team.
[15 SECOND ENDORSEMENT OF LONGHORN ENERGY FUTURES FUND DONE WHILE WEARING ION NECKLACE]
Oh, you're still here? Why? You should be on your way to the stadium. Why, it's right over there, because I'm recording this in Austin. I'm not in Gstaad, skiing, and most definitely not in sunny Necker Island sailboarding with my good buddy Richard Branson's mistress draped naked on my back like a knapsack. I'd never leave my assistants to do all the work. That wouldn't be right.
I'll be there, and you can be there too. Just subscribe the LONGHORN NETWORK, [YOUR NAME HERE], and you can have access to the best spring game in the nation as well as other Texas sports like:
- Women's volleyball
- The NHL for some weird reason
- Turkish soccer on a pirate feed
- Funny videos our interns found on Youtube
- A camera trained on Manny Diaz while he sleeps. Like an angel!
We understand the expense means a lot in trying economic times. That's why you should call your cable operator and demand the LONGHORN NETWORK, [YOUR NAME HERE], because starting today you can sign up for just SEVENTY THREE AMERICAN DOLLARS A MONTH. That's right: a seven, and a three, and just a decimal point and two little ol' zeros after it. It's the cost of a cup of coffee. Every day. For a month. With some fanciness like extra shots or your whipped creams and what not. Peasant money, really.
And when you call the Longhorns, you know what comes next? A stampede of entertainment, that's what. Call now. I don't want to call you a cheap pussy, but I'm sorry. Everything's big in Texas, including our cable bills and mouths, you cheap, probably Aggie-loving SEC pussy.
[MACK BROWN SIGNATURE STAMPED FROM MACK BROWN SIGNATURE INK STAMP AND PAD AVAILABLE FOR $165.99 AT MACKBROWNFOOTBALL.COM]
Legal disclaimer: "MACK BROWN" is a copyrighted property of Texas football. MACK BROWN may in fact be several actors or proxies representing the character of MACK BROWN who is a trademarked and copyrighted entity property of the UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS.