OFF-TOPIC: THINGS TO DO AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN

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You can't just sit and marvel at the deepest depths of the ocean. Let's be frank: this would be the most amazing thing you have ever seen for five minutes or so, and then you would slowly gravitate back to the long cavalcade of petty momentary distractions making up 87% of life. It's hot in here. My eyebrow itches. Itched. Is that an old man brow? Gadzooks, that thing feels like coaxial cable. if I pull it out I might die. Gonna pull it out. GODDAMN THAT HURT. I have to fart. Man, I hope I don't lose this one on the launchpad. I'd have to sit for hours in this tiny steel bubble trapped with my own gut-stink. Why did I do this? God, I'm already bored.

You couldn't just sit down there, so the EDSBS staff came up with a list of things you might do once you OOH and AAHH yourself out at the bottom of the Marianas Trench

  • Masturbate. There's no way you wouldn't as the solo member of the crew, and especially not if you were James Cameron and had already took but a sliver of your huge fortune and gotten yourself alone at the bottom of the ocean. Run Home Jack: "Definitely. In fact, that may have been how life on earth began." James Cameron started our universe when he jacked off in a sub near a thermal vent in the ocean floor. This blog does nothing but science all day long.
  • Luke: "I would also blast Savage Garden's Truly Madly Deeply to see if that would awaken Cthulu". Spoiler! IT WOULD.
  • "Shoot craps"
  • "Wait for Nick Nolte to swim by the window."
  • "Get drunk, wake up, find Nick Nolte in your bathysphere. 'YOU GOT ANY RUBBING ALCOHOL?'"
  • "Leave a sign reading 'You have reached the back wall of your mother's vagina.' It's like the cave drawings in Prometheus. An invitation...or a warning."
  • "Yell "ROLL TIDE." Wait for inevitable response."
  • "Bring Craig James with me. Leave there."
  • Chill with Michael Biehn, who's been down there for a while. Give him a ride back. (He's really down there. James Cameron asks a LOT of his actors.)
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