YOU GET THE PLAYOFF YOU DESERVE. Just extending the chase scene of the BCS may not add any more value, but it certainly gives you more. And if there's one thing people like with no regard paid to quality or need, it's more. We also mention the film Striking Distance in there because its overly extended finale is unnecessary and adds nothing, and also because Bruce Willis as a boat cop proves the Aquaman rule yet again. (Aquaman rule: all movies involving water must have explosions and/or sharks, or else face massive failure at the box office.)
JOHN RITTER? CASE CLOSED. We're so very sorry. Blame reader Tom for sending this to us to spread to your ears and eyes.
Lane Kiffin will pants you in front of all the ladies upon arrival at USC. You will take this as your punishment, butthorn, and then make no complaints. (Butthorn is Lane Kiffin's official insult for 2012.)
IN OTHER IMPORTANT BUTTHORN-GIVER NEWS. Lane Kiffin happily says what most coaches say about the SEC's defensive lines being faster than any in the nation, though he does balance that by saying different regions offer different players. For instance, the Pac-12 produces quarterbacks and wide receivers with greater frequency, something we would counter by pointing out the SEC's awesome quarterbacks like AJ McCarron and Jordan Jefferson and okay shut up JUST SHUT UP OKAY---
DANNY O'BRIEN CONTINUES WANDERING. After some communication with Ole Miss, O'Brien's next stop will be Penn State. O'Brien would likely be a good fit for Penn State's pro-style attack, and would end up with many attempts and gaudy numbers since Ted Roof is going to be their defensive coordinator. Remember when Penn State hired Ted Roof? For real, and not as a joke? Oh, it's going to be a magical year on the obstructive side of Penn State football, especially the part with all the burning and screaming.
ALABAMA GAINS ANOTHER YOUNG RURAL DOCTOR. Bama running back Blake Sims hurt his hip playing basketball, and you know where this is going: straight to the rehab room, and then back to the field with all due patience, we're sure.
I'M SORRY I GUESS WE LIVE IN SOVIET OHIO NOW. We don't want to live in a world where you can't randomly tackle members of the marching band.
SPRING BUSINESS TODAY: Norm Chow gets started, and Aaron Murray brings his stylish European carry-all into spring practice for UGA.