THEFTS OF TIDE DETERGENT ONLY CONFIRM THE OBVIOUS, PAWWWLL

Preschool multiple national championship national championship, PAWWWWLLLLL.

They didn't believe us, Paul. First the birds of the sea and fish of the and and bears of the sky knew it, because when red hits the sky it's time to bow down and sleep. Why? Because the sunset's red and THE CRIMSON IS YOUR SUPERIOR. What we're followin' is just the natural order.

But like a virus we didn't stop there. You can hate the Commies, but they can't be blamed for red. It's a winning color. Heart attacks turn people red. Why? BECAUSE HEART ATTACKS LIKE WINNIN', PAUL. Red underwear's sexy because it makes you think of Andrew Zow, and Red Bull works because THE ALABAMA'S INSIDE, Paul. The Alabama in there is the secret ingredient. Always has been, Paul. Always will be.

So you might wanna blame people for stealin' Tide, but it ain't their fault. It's naturally magnetic. Tide cleans up everything. It's a universal solvent. If you had Nick Saban spit on a rag and wipe it across your car, it'd take the paint right off it, if you were lucky enough to get Coach Saban's blessed bodily fluids anywhere on your person. I got a whole jar of it. wrung out of a linesman's shirt from the 2009 SEC Championship Game. When I die, they're gonna pour it on my grave, and I'll pop right back up like a turbocharged daffodil. Only paid $45,000 for it, and worth every penny.

They callin' it liquid gold? WE CALL IT FOOTBALL, Y'ALL. The detergent's just a vehicle for the excellence the name brings with it. It's like if you named a tractor Jordan Jefferson, and the danged thing just stopped halfway across a field. Things only live up to their names, Paul. That's why I nicknamed my man's business Bear Hydrant. Should have named my first husband's business Rodd Graham, but that's another story and we on a family show where I cain't say the words "stripper houndin' he-slut roustabout ass-mastiff."

I'll hang up and listen.

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