THE CURIOUS INDEX, 3/12/2012

IT'S A BLOODY MARY MORNING. Pardon the delays. We are not only on the road, but are also hellaciously hungover. This hangover has its own staff of subhangovers who do contract work for it. It's the Downton Abbey of hangovers. At this present moment Thomas is trying to blackmail our right frontal lobe into oblivion. Hello Willie. You're our only hope.

Ahhh, that's ever-so-slightly better.

THE BUTCH DAVIS SIMPLEX IS NOT RESPONDING TO TREATMENT. We really still don't know exactly what happened with Butch Davis at UNC, other that it wasn't anything like what happened at Miami, and that we will blame the whole confusion on a.) Miami's recruiting base making everyone look better than they should, and b.) Butch Davis making some disastrous hires on his coaching staff.

The worst of those hires was John Blake, the former Oklahoma head coach whose ties with an agent are just one of a few tiny little issues that the NCAA is expected to detail in the form of infractions announced later today. Everyone involved has been fired and excommunicated from UNC's universe already, so it's not likely that the infractions are going to result in any serious penalties, but this being the NCAA means all predictions are effectively useless.

BRANDEN SMITH IS A RELAXED INDIVIDUAL AND THAT SHOULD NEVER BE ILLEGAL. More like possession of a CHILLegal substance, brah. UGA's Branden Smith's weed arrest in Alabama seemed to be a quick, expedient affair, especially when we remind you that this was in Alabama, and involved law enforcement late at night. Points to be awarded in a Cupdate later.

"HE'S THROWING WITH HIS HANDS NOW, AND NOT TRYING TO JUST POP IT OUT OF HIS ELBOW LIKE A NICKEL IN A COIN TRICK." Taylor Martinez's mechanics are looking "improved" in spring practice at Nebraska, which really could mean anything since his windup was somewhere between Dan Quisenberry and a cricket bowler's, and appeared to be unfrozen 1943 QB textbook form.

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE. It's amusing both because Houston Nutt left an academic mountain range of issues at Ole Miss, and also because Hugh Freeze becomes the first coach we've ever heard of who dares suggest than not every player on the team will buy into his way of doing things, and that's okay.

OF COURSE HE IS. Nick Saban is making Alabama's players practice one last time before spring break, both because he probably wants everyone on the team to remember how important commitment to The Process is, and because Nick Saban is kind of a dick.

YOU DIDN'T EXACTLY HELP. Yeah, man. Yeah.

"That's my legacy to the profession," he says. "I'm the first guy who had a FireTheCoach.com website. I had no chance. From the day I walked into the introductory press conference, I was fired."

As opposed to the other variation, "I'll take your program to a fluky Rose Bowl and then milk it for all it's worth while doing little else of note whatsoever before getting fired." Have fun punting from life's version of your own 38, [NAME REDACTED.] You think you forget and then the burning and the stomach pain and sweet shiva this is a horrendous hangover we hate you so much all over again, Coach Ron Hangover.

ETC: Rally car crashes. Like, an hour and a half of them.

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