LEFT BEHIND: MEET THE RANTYCHRIST

SCENE: Everyone who isn't praying to SliveBot is like "Oh no we're in trouble"

Everyone not praying to Slivebot: Oh no we are in trouble.

Robojesus_2520slive_jpg_medium

Slivebot Rex: Too late hahahaha. You are now LEFT BEHIND.

The name of this book is LEFT BEHIND. This is why he says it.

Big Eastern USA: Nooo! Larry! But you didn't pray to Slivebot!

Larry Scott: No. But my vacation house on Planet Niketown is sweet and I'm going there forever bye.

Larry Scott goes up to Nike heaven with a baby buffalo in his arms. He's also wearing future clothes. Editor mention future clothes put ahead of all this.

Jim Delany: I am going to Big Ten Heaven.

Big Eastern USA Jonford Marinatto: What's that like?

Delany: Tasteful. Cheap. 50 degrees all the time. There's some video poker machines but no one plays them. I sit in a room and watch Daktari reruns on an old black and white television. It's perfect.

Big Eastern USA Jonford Marinatto: Ahhhh there's a John Swofford hanging on your shoe.

Swofford: Grip strength! I had one of those squeezey balls on my desk and now it saved my football conference!

Big Eastern USA Jonford Marinatto: Ahhhhh now I am LEFT BEHIND.

MEMPHIS FOOTBALL runs up. He is wearing a football helmet and basketball shirsey.

Memphis Football: I want to help you. You will need help because the Tribulation is comin' and we will have to survive and fight and things.

Big Eastern USA Jonford Marinatto: What's that?

Memphis Football: It's where we give up and just become a basketball conference for real Jonford. Also, there's fire and things because we did not pray to Slivebot, and then some kind of fight with the Rantychrist.

Big Eastern USA Jonford Marinatto: What's the Rantychrist?

Antiskip_jpg_medium

JAKE PLUMMER WAS A BETTER LEADER THAN DAN MARINO!

TROY AIKMAN WAS NOT ONLY GAY BUT WROTE THE FIRST SEASON OF FIREFLY IN A BATH HOUSE.

HYDROX ARE THE SECOND BEST COOKIES BECAUSE THE BEST ARE WALGREENS BRAND OATMEAL RAISIN.

I THINK—AND HE WILL AGREE WHEN HE HEARS THIS—THAT CHRIS BOSH IS A 15 YEAR OLD AGORAPHOBIC GIRL WITH A HORMONE DISORDER.

THE BCS IS NOT ONLY THE BEST WAY TO DECIDE A COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP BUT IS ALSO THE ONLY WAY THIS COUNTRY CAN CONFRONT THE ISSUE OF URBAN ANIMAL CONTROL.

HOW CAN YOU WATCH FOOTAGE OF THE EXXON-VALDEZ SPILL AND NOT ROOT FOR THE OIL TANKER?

AAAAGGGHHH GRRGGGGGG SNAAAAARRRLLLL AAAAAAAHHHHH

THE TEXAS WRONGHORNS THE OHIO STATE SUCKEYES INFLAMMATORY THINGS HACK BROWN AND JIM SMELLSEL--

GISELE SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL AND GO BACK TO WHAT SHE'S GOOD AT, AND THAT'S THAT TROY AIKMAN IS GAY AND IT'S LEBRON'S FAULT.

BOB STOOPS SHOULD FIRE HIMSELF FOR THE SHAMEFUL JOB HE'S DONE AS OKLAHOMA'S HEAD COACH.

BACTERIA ISN'T REAL AND NEITHER ARE THE YANKEES.

EVEN THOUGH HE WAS LIVING A LIE HISTORY WILL REFLECT TROY AIKMAN AS A JACKIE ROBINSON FIGURE.

UNTIL HE PROVES HE CAN WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP MY NEPHEW SHOULDN'T SLEEP INSIDE.

I HAVE ONE WORD FOR THE ELI MANNING HATERS, AND THAT WORD IS "SUPERBOWLABILITY."

JEREMY LIN IS JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF IVY LEAGUE PRIVILEGE GONE HAYWIRE. REMEMBER WHAT LARRY SUMMERS DID TO THE ECONOMY!? THAT'S WHAT'LL HAPPEN TO THE NBA

GENESIS WAS NOTHING WITHOUT PETER GABRIEL.

IF PORT-AU-PRINCE HAD REAL GRIT LIKE TIM TEBOW THEY WOULDN'T BE WHERE THEY ARE TODAY.

AND NOW WATCH ME DEBATE THE MASTERS WITH KEVIN JAMES.

MICHAEL JORDAN'S FAILURES AS AN OWNER, BUSINESSMAN, AND HUSBAND HAVE RETROACTIVELY PROVEN OSCAR ROBERTSON'S SUPERIORITY AS A SCORING GUARD.

NICK SABAN'S EMBARRASSING EXIT FROM THE DOLPHINS RENDERS HIS WORK AT ALABAMA AN ABJECT FAILURE AND A DISGRACE.

THE DALLAS STARS SHOWER NAKED TOGETHER. I'M REPORTING THAT AS FACT.

EUGENICS IS WORKABLE IF WE CAN ISOLATE THE CLUTCH GENE.

THERE'S THE RIGHT WAY. AND THEN THERE'S THE ELWAY.*

DAN SNYDER WILL WIN THREE SUPER BOWLS AS OWNER OF THE REDSKINS...

...ONCE HE TRADES FOR TIM TEBOW AND DECIDES TO GET SERIOUS ABOUT WINNING.

BOBBY PETRINO COULD WIN TWO NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS AT ARKANSAS AND STILL BE A COWARD FOR NOT VISITING MICHAEL VICK IN PRISON ENOUGH TIMES.

MIKE VICK IS HISTORY'S GREATEST VILLAIN.

I WILL BE DOING THIS FOR THE NEXT FIVE TO SEVEN YEARS AND DON'T EVEN TRY TO STOP ME.

Big Eastern USA Jonford Marinatto: I don't want to live anymore.

Memphis Football: So I'm taking that as a yes?

Big Eastern USA Jonford Marinatto: [dies]

Memphis Football: [fistpumps]

I am looking to sell this screenplayvella for no less than $2 million. Please contact us at the listed email. Any similarities to real people is coincidental and unintended.

*real Skip Bayless quote

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker