DOLTRON: DEFENDER OF THE UNIDERP

The scene is an Indianapolis alley full of discarded mayonnaise jars. All seems quiet until, suddenly, something underneath the pile rustles. It is RONP distinguished member of DOLTRON FORCE.

RONP: I sense something...a disturbance from the South. An NFL team is in trouble and needs help! This is a job for....

Doltron_medium

COPYRIGHT RUNHOMELUKEZIM PRODUCTIONS

After several days of illegal travel on the underside of a gas tanker, RONP arrives in Jacksonville wearing a pair of suit pants and a Sea World San Antonio polo shirt:

RONP: You may be familiar with my work with the Kansas State College Athletic Football Wildcat Footballcats. I also did two tours of duty with the Colton Warriors of Gallopolis. That Payne Manning was a hell of a golfer. RIP. Until we meet again on the otherside, old friend.

JAGUARS CONCESSIONAIRE: Look, that's wonderful, but I keep trying to tell you I don't make hiring decisions.

RONP: Hark! Another member of Doltron Force!

It is Croom, the Space Walrus.

CROOM: What am I even doing here?!? I haven't had an organized say in anything other than Arena Football in YEARS. This is really weird how all the sudden I'm standing next to all these guys. Even in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, SOME MYSTERIES ARE BETTER LEFT NOT MYSTERIES.

RONP: No! The Battle of Baby-I'm-Burning must have left him with Galactic Amnesia! I once stared at the son for so long I started seeing two sons. Just like the parrot bill, but the Prodigy Son. I miss the internet when it made more bleep bloop sounds. Today's internet is quiet. A little too quiet! Wait - what did I come here to do again?

CONCESSIONAIRE: I thought you were applying for the position of Nacho Pump Maintenance, but you keep rambling about Doltron Force.

RONP: Affirmative! (He pulls out a walkie talkie and proceeds to press random buttons.) We must summon Z-Ron!

1212spor1zook_medium

Z-RON: Go for Ron.

RONP: No, my name is Ron.

Z-RON: HONEY, I THINK I'M ON THE PHONE WITH MYSELF AGAIN!

RONP: Jacksonville is in trouble, Z-Ron, and only Doltron Force can help!

Z-RON: Why you boys gotta bother a man during business time? I told whoever called me they should only consider being on the phone with the Zookster between 5:15 and 5:17 am or 8:48 and 8:49 PM. Those are the Bewitching Hours when the great show Bewitched goes to commercial but I'm already too sore from doing 500 pushups and 500 situps during the previous commercial break. Now are we gonna take about this fighting robot thing like men or am I GOING TO HAVE TO DRESS YOU UP LIKE A COUPLE OF NANCY PANTSES IN A FULL DRESS AND CALL YOU WHAT YOU ARE, A BUNCH OF PRETEND FOOTBALL COACHES!!!!!!!!

RONP: Z-Ron? Z-Ron, do you copy! Croom, he's not responding - quickly, we, must contact RonJaws immediately!

Ron_jaworski_medium

RONJAWS: Gruden, is that you? Don't tell me you started painting your kitchen with all the doors and windows shut again.

RONP: No, RonJaws, this is your brother in Doltron - RonP!

RONJAWS: The hell's a Ron's Pee? Gruden, I'm sick of these tricks. I still have nightmares of that time I woke up with your "Mike Sherman" on my face. This is not the kind of professionalism that will get you anywhere in the NATIONAL TELECOMMUNICATIONS AND INFORMATION ADMINISTRATION.

RONP: Truly, Croom, this is Doltron's darkest hour! Surely we cannot be the only members of Doltron Force willing to defend fair Jacksonville, America's Abscessed Tooth! Pick up, RonPowlus, pick up!!

1_medium

RONPOWLUS: CHARLIE? CHARLIE WILL YOU PLEASE HAND MY EATING SPOON? COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH IT'S SO COLD IN THIS TINY METAL CAGE CHARLIE PLEASE I PROMISE TO NEVER EVEN SAY THE WORDS "THIRD DOWN CONVERSION RATE" AGAIN OH GOD CHARLIE PLEASE

RONP: Croom...it...it's up to us now. We are all that stands between these Jacksonville Snow Leopards and EXTINGUISHTION!

CROOM: Just another 76 hours, 24 minutes, and 6 seconds until I get another paycheck. I'm so sorry, Muriel. This hurts me more than you'll ever know.

I5nwv_medium

DOLTRON PANTS slowly orbit the Earth for about a month before they burn up during reentry somewhere over St. Louis.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker