A BRIEF TEMPLE PRESS CONFERENCE

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Thank you all for coming today to allow me to respond to the rumors that our institution will be joining the Big East. I have a brief statement to read, after which the first four media outlets to successfully cross the moat and ring their gong will be permitted to ask questions.

As the enchanted stone guardian of Temple, it has been my responsibility for thousands of years to ensure the continued growth and success of all our endeavors, academic and otherwise. Part of that duty involves evaluating new opportun - sir, can you please get off the Steps of Knowledge? They keep lighting up and it's incredibly distracting.

Thank you.

We've heard the criticisms about what the Big East is becoming. San Diego State and UCF, to be sure, do not seem like natural rivals for Temple. But it was not so long ago that people thought the concept of Orange Iguanas and Red Jaguars was outlandish. This Temple may be Hidden, but it will never shy away from innovation.

Of course, our unceremonious ejection from the conference less than a decade ago gives us a great deal of pause here. We were in rightful possession of not one, but TWO pendants of life. Even the Temple Guards know not to violate that sacred law, and their whole job is to grab kids all creepy-like.

In conclusion, a strong Temple recognizes its weaknesses and limitations. We lack the football pedigree of other institutions. Attendance has been a struggle. Our winners receive no shimmering piece of the Aggro-Crag. This temple still has legends left in it, though, and I intend to see them all shown before a live studio audience.

I will now take questions, after which members of the press must reassemble the Silver Monkey to exit the room.

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