Dear Applicant,

Thank you for submitting your application for the position of ASSISTANT LIBRARIAN, MAIN CAMPUS. We received a great deal of interest for this position, and, while we found your credentials to be extremely impressive, ultimately we decided to go with a different candidate. Our new assistant librarian will bring a fresh perspective and energy to the department and has promised to try very hard not to ask students "which one of these books tells you how your parents never really loved you."

As always, we will keep your information on file.

Go Zips!

- University of Akron Human Resources

Dear Applicant,

We have concluded our hiring for this year's class of On-Campus Drug Interdiction Agents. This was an extremely competitive applicant pool, reflecting a wealth of experience in law enforcement, military service, and private security. Opportunities like Detective Franchione do not come along often, and we feel privileged to have him join our team. His ability to blend in with the student body is almost chameleon-like, and will be an essential asset in our fight against marihuana cigarettes.

While we regret that we were unable to offer you a position, we encourage you to apply again in the future should new positions fitting your background become available.

Cordially,

University of Akron Campus Police

Dear Applicant,

It was a pleasure meeting with you last week to discuss the open position in the University's Cafeteria Services Department, Prospective Student-Athletes division. As you may have heard, we recently filled this position, unfortunately. Please know that we found your culinary skills to be of the highest caliber.

His Joe was simply the sloppiest.

Best Regards,

Bruce Pearl, Vice President for Student Services