OH A NEW CONFERENCE YOU SAY
NAME: CONFERENCE FACEBOOK. It's not even tied into the IPO. There are just so many teams involved that SEO is literally the only way to get any news about the conference out WHITNEY HOUSTON PENIS ENLARGEMENT CAN MY DOG GET PREGNINT FROM CAT NAKED CAREY MULLIGAN. When sued by Facebook, will change its name to CONFERENCE BING, because no one will notice something named this.
SIZE: Everyone left. 18 to 24 teams in theory, but seriously this could just be 500 teams all fighting with blackjacks and shards of broken glass over a sack of $100 bills before it's over. EDIT: we hope it's 500 teams on a field at once fighting over a sack of $100 bills before it's over.
OPENS FOR OPERATION: Launches in 2013.
POTENTIAL RIVALRY TROPHIES. Oh, the possibilities.
- The Green Cowboy is the prize given to the winner of Tulane-Wyoming; it is a barn in the middle of the woods where Craig James is chained to a mechanical bull and force-fed clam chowder in between 10 minute riding sessions.
- The winner of ECU-UNLV is awarded the Rebel Pirate Cutlass, which allows the bearer to throw all of Ron Zook's personal belongings into the ocean without liability.
- The loser of Fresno State-UAB goes home with the FRESNOSTAB, which is just what it sounds like.
- The Pit Boss is the trophy given to the winner of UNLV/Reno. His name is Anthony. Give him a job and don't ask questions. He needs Thursdays off to so some stuff for me. Don't ask about that neither.
- Rice and New Mexico are waiting for this contract to expire in seven years so they can stop playing for the LOWLOBOS trophy.
- Fresno State-Tulsa. The Golden [CENSORED BY YOUR WORK'S INTERNET FILTER]. Sure, it feels great for someone, but that doesn't mean you probably want to be photographed holding one in public. And Christ, does anybody really need one that big?
- The Walleyed Drifter will be awarded to the victor of the Wyoming and Tulsa game. The Walleyed Drifter is an obese cat with vertigo. He is ADORABLY diabetic, and does not like children or men with hats on. Don't try to hold him over your head in victory. That's like a really bad idea.
- UTEP-New Mexico - The Exploding Severed Human Head on a Turtle's Back
- The Hawai'i - Marshall showdown, colloquially known as "Culture Shock," is actually a dance-off held in Key West during Fantasy Fest.
- Through a series of complicated but FULLY LEGAL wagers, the winner of Air Force-Southern Miss determines whether the pH scale is taught in America's public schools.
- UTEP and Tulane's rivalry trophy was shot fifteen times and dumped in a street or possibly a swamp. Suspects include "UTEP" or "Tulane." Depends on the schedule or the year, but it was definitely one of those two.
- A VHS copy of The Langoliers will be given to the victor of the ECU/Hawai'i game.
WHAT YOU CAN READ BETWEEN THE LINES ABOUT THIS CONFERENCE: Helmets and pads will not be used in conference games, because we like that old school feel. Of course we're solvent! Just stop being such a dick and give us some gas money.