DANNY O'BRIEN TRANSFERS, AND RANDY EDSALL IS LEGEND

Danny O'Brien is transferring from Maryland, joining 38,828 other players from Maryland who have left the football team and the University. The campus of the University of Maryland sits empty, because since Randy Edsall arrived everyone has transferred. Dogs roam its lawns, eating sad bits of food discarded by fleeing students. Some Maryland scientists might speculate that Randy Edsall is a human neutron bomb, but they have already transferred. The world will never know. That's science zero, Randy Edsall one billionty.

Randy Edsall has to do everything now. He answers the phones, balances test tubes in their racks in labs. He wears the Testudo outfit while he does this because the mascot has left, too. He catches himself in the mirror sometimes, and the pathos is overwhelming. At night he patrols the campus on a golf cart, a lonely man radioing himself to say that all's clear.

He visits the library, where all those books he wanted to read sit quiet and unbothered. He breaks his glasses, and then cries NOOOOOOOO at the sky.

Randy Edsall walks into the Student Living office, where he meets with Assistant Dean Randy Edsall. He's got a complaint that needs lodging. It's about his roommate, Randy Edsall. He is directed to Housing, where student assistant Randy Edsall directs him back to Student Life aide Randy Edsall. Randy Edsall, discouraged by his contact with Randy Edsall, goes to the campus Chick-Fil-A and gets a Fried Randy Edsall sandwich from employee "Randy."

SPOILER: Randy Edsall plays every part here, because he is lonely and alone on a campus where everyone has transferred. It's like Wall-E but with a slightly lower budget and Under Armour gear everywhere. Now Pixar will sue Randy Edsall for copyright infringement. They will be referred to legal counsel Randy Edsall, who while not a lawyer is still "Randy Edsall." All trials will be transferred from venue to venue the instant Counselor Edsall enters the courtroom. This is actually a winning legal strategy. Well done, Counselor Edsall.

P.S. Watch Maryland win nine games this year and confuse the shit out of everyone, including Coach Randy Edsall and quarterback Randall Edsall.

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