DICK TALK WITH JASON WHITLOCK

Re: this tweet on Jeremy Lin.

I speak truth to dick. Black dicks think I'm a sell out. White dicks think I'm racist. My dick thinks I'm too honest. My perspective is for people unafraid to think and willing to challenge their own dicks. P.S. It also doesn't hurt to like dick.

Fact: all Australians have poison fang dick. If you step on one on the beach you could be dead in minutes. Luc Longley killed everyone he ever slept with who wasn't Aussie. Those girls are immune...and freaky.

Side fact: Jordan sent girls who preferred Scotty to Luc. Competitors never stop.

Fact: If you are trapped in a car that is submerged in water, you should use a CO2-powered bolt to shatter a window and escape. If you do not have one, and you are in the vehicle with a Russian man, instruct him to use his dick. They have hydraulic power from their mothers carrying them around like frozen turkeys in a sack.

That's also why they drink.

I don't blame them. Not one bit, man.

Italian dicks. Yeah, they're proud of them. Most articulate dick on the planet, though. Interviewed Roberto Baggio's about the '94 World Cup. It was emotional talk. Real talk. Dick talk, but not weird talk. Best exclusive of my life.

Greek dick? Broke dick.

Spanish athletes use their dicks as change purses. Can carry like five dollars in each one. The Spanish World Cup celebration sounded like an earthquake of piggy banks. Coinstar needs to build a fleshlight into their machines in Madrid. You'd make a hundred bucks a week like that.

I don't know shit about Indian dicks.

Swedish dicks exist in some kind of uncharted dimension. To humans, it's like the IKEA dick matrix. Crooked grids of squares as the backdrop. Fluorescent triangles and rhombuses flying all over the place randomly. Oh, and five million Swedish dicks.

Some white boys think their dicks are all Dominican. Just because your manhood would rather shrivel up and hide in the shadows than get a real tan doesn't make it ethnic. Child please.

Finnish dicks kill Russians on sight. Guess Sexy Helsinki Nights ain't popular in Moscow. They also have a corkscrew built into the side. They say it's useful. I'm skeptical but open-minded on this point. You can't box me in.

If a Finnish man was unable to finish, then that would be sad. Racism has been conquered. You are a racist.

Armenian dicks are striped like a barber pole. They can't cut hair, though. Armenians are some lying-ass people.

Jeff George's dick never got the shot it deserved.

Peyton Manning's 'neck' is fine. He may never play again if #18.6" is still smarting from watching little big brother doing it up in his pussy palace.

Jim Irsay dick? It's got to get off Twitter.

Average white dude dick is like Bubbles on The Wire. It's got problems. It sells newspapers. It talks to the cops. Lives in a basement with its sister. But it's going to AA. It's trying. Best show ever.

Know why Tony Parker plays basketball? French dick only works indoors. Never won a war because they always have to go back home to piss. Hmm. French.

You ever seen an Antarctic dick? The hell you doing that far south, Werner Herzog?

Rik Smits had that Dutch dick. All wood grain. Classy.

If some dick just washes up to you in Miami, that's probably Cuban dick. Real talk. Hate if you like, but it's true.

Mike Lupica's an insecure, mean-spirited busybody. Credit where credit's due: little dude could hang the moon.

Kevin Garnett's dick is a pitbull with anemia. Like, an actual pitbull he has to give diet supplements to and stuff.

Yeah, you like to joke. "Serena's dick is huge." You need to recognize real beauty and strength when you see it. Expand your horizons. Serena's my girl. Any time, anywhere, any place, Ms. Williams.

Samantha Stosur, though? PACKING. Like a can of Monster Energy drink in the pants.

Jay Cutler dick is where you bow out mid-session and let someone else do your girl the wrong way.

Sudanese dick? Luol Deng would be hung like a Super Nintendo cartridge but having some British in him makes it more of a crumpet cock. Real talk.

Algerian dick is all curved. Like a bunch of jaundiced commas all walking out the shower at once.

Hedo Turkoglu and every other Turkish player has that ampersand dick going on, though. You know what I mean.

If some dick just washes up to you in Miami, that's probably Cuban dick.

Chilean dicks are all copper plated and have a decent jump-shot. Bet you didn't know that about Chilean dick, but I'm an educator, too. Respect to Chilean dick.