MONEY, CASH, THROWS

You mortgaged your house. T. Boone Pickens mortgaged one of Saturn's moons.

Mike Gundy's decision to stay in Stillwater was probably motivated by a lot of things: feelings of loyalty towards his alma mater, hesitation to leave a program he's helped build up to national prominence for one still struggling to return to respectability, and fear of having to appear on "Clay Travis Presents BOOBS OR TITS?," Tennessee's number one game show.

Of course, it doesn't hurt that he'll still have access to the ocean of cash known as T. Boone Pickens. Nobody's come out and said the vaults were opened to help keep Gundy in town, but let's be real. Any number you can imagine, no matter how absurd, is nothing to T. Boone. We've compiled a list of some of his recent expenditures to illustrate that what you call life-changing money, Pickens calls "a casual lunch."

  • $576,000 - How much it costs to reload all 16 chambers in T. Boone's customized teacher cannon. That is not a typo. This is a modified t-shirt cannon designed by David Lee Roth that fires hot high school math teachers into a crowd.
  • $12,500,000 - T. Boone acquired 250 black market kidneys because he mistakenly thought that was where the tastiest kidney beans came from. Could've donated them to needy would be organ donor recipients, but just threw them over the fence because, duh, Gossip Girl was on.
  • $382,153 - Spent on failed claw game attempts. We all have our weaknesses, man.
  • $7.3 million - Expenditure per time-traveling trip Pickens takes. This is not to say time travel is actually possible, of course, but with a personal island and one hundred people properly paid and outfitted, you too can recreate the Moorish Invasion of Spain!
  • $28,000 - Paid to Scott Baio, who made Pickens a turkey club sandwich. The sandwich was maybe worth three bucks, but T. Boone was really paying for the opportunity to push Baio off a balcony and shout "BOONIE SHOVES CHACHI!"
  • $2,547,506 - Had Mario Cristobal fired just to prove he could play program benefactor at as many schools at once as he felt like.
  • $225,000,000 - Hologram Jimmy Johnson will coach Oklahoma State for the rest of time. The real one's alive, you say? That's what T. Boone wants you to think.
  • $27.3 million - Amount spent to purchase the distribution rights to and every available DVD copy of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. If it's not canon to T. Boone, it's not canon to anyone.
  • $675,000 - Kige Ramsey's autobiographical CBS pilot isn't going to film/produce itself.
  • $788,000 - Zombies R Us. T. Boone's chain of toy stores marketed exclusively to zombie families. Hasn't caught on in many places, but is shockingly popular with non-zombie residents of Alabama.
  • $1.8 million - Insurance costs for Pickens's annual game of Capture The Flag with Bernard Arnault. It's a little different than the game you probably played in elementary school, in that the goal of the game is to topple a Central American government.
  • $7 - Rich motherfuckers need Wal-Mart brand sweatpants too.
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