By The Rev. Malachi Moses Sweatrash
Welcome all ye beloved who are seeking the way, the truth, and the light. I come to you, you people of the hills, to bring you the one true gospel of Freezus Christ, the only begotten son of Ed Orgeron . Thou art a divided people who worship at the false alter of fallen NFL Gods and covet a one hit wonder from the Bluegrass Lands that worship homosexualistic basketball.. Those pagan idols can't Win The Day, bring together, or HEAL!! what is sitting so heavy on your hearts.Only Freezus Christ can do that.
If Freezus Christ were to ascend blessed Rocky Top and receive the word from on high, your hearts would not be troubled. Your football would be sanctified and he would cast out the demons that plague you so. Oh Beloved, he hath already vanquished the infidel Mullen. He hath destroyed those twin devils Chizik and Smith. He most certainly will dispatch back to Hell, from whence they came, the true Satan, Miles, and The True Anti- Freezus, Saban. And it is a blasphemous lie that he wisheth to runneth away from the heathenistic Mr. Johnny Football and his dark masters Sumlin and Kingsbury that reside in the non believing lands to the West!
Your savior Freezus Christ once lived amongst the flock of Tennesseans!! He once coacheth the girls basketball to The Land of Milk and Honey. He Blinded the Side! He deliverethed Oher!! He shall never be out Holier Than Thou Acteth! Won't you let him into your hearts? For yea though he walketh thru the Valley of Low Pay, He feareth no pay raise. He hath restored the riotous people of Oxford back to the path of righteousness. He hath cleansed their souls from the iniquities of that false prophet Hootie Nutt. His teeth over lappeth. His head anointed with thrown whiskey. Surely recruits and victories will follow him all the days of his life ,and He will dwelleth in the House of Orange forever. Amen!
So I ask you, all ye who have no faith in Freezus Christ, won't you join me down here at the alter of Football salvation, and let us cross the river to Neyland Stadium for the glorious reward that is our faith? Won't you come? We gonna pass the collection plates now, so that Freezus Christ's message can be spread thru, Lo, these many hills.
Again, I say to you brethren, accept Freezus Christ into your hearts!!! All you got to do is ask him in!! Won't you join me in doing that, brothers and sisters?
Deacon Franklin, would you close us with a word of prayer?