BERT BURLAMA. The first thing we thought this morning was not "Holy shit, Bret Bielema is the coach at Arkanasas." (That was something like, "Daylight Savings Time is some bulllllllllshit.") But it was something like the fourth thing we thought this morning, since seriously, Bret Bielema--a coach who went 16-18 against the non-leprous segment of the Big Ten--is now the coach at Arkansas.
It's a financial windfall for Fake Bielema, of course. (Aka "dude named Evan who really does sort of look like Bielema. Thanks, Joel K.)
One factor that may have contributed to the move: pressure after losing five games this year, something Bielema reportedly did not enjoy. This will, of course, not be a problem at Arkansas, where they once fired a coach overnight after losing to Jacksonville State. The bowl game coaching situation is an intriguing one, since current AD and former head coach Barry Alvarez might be the one doing the honors, thus fully starting the Bill Snyder Remix tour rumors in Madison before you even really knew they were possible.
GUSTAV MAKES HIS MAGNIFICENT RETURN. Malzahn to Auburn is...well, it's kind of awesome, actually, since even though we're honor bound to despise the shammockery of an institution that is Auburn to our very bones, it is never bad to have an innovative, aggressive, and torpedos-damning young coach in a conference prone towards dull game management and risk-aversion. (See the Alabama Life Insurance Company and Industrial Concern, Tuscaloosa Division.)
His reception, as with all events in Auburn, became official with the announcement on the Krystal marquee, and he is reportedly interested in Ellis Johnson as defensive coordinator. He's free. Trust us: he's very, very free right now. Ooh! And Kristi Malzahn is back in the SEC, which is clearly where she has always belonged. We love you, Kristi Malzahn. You truly are every batshit crazy adorable church lady we grew up with, and sort of wanted to make out with before we knew what sex really was.
CONGRATULATIONS ON HIRING HITLER. Arkansas State fans are taking this well.
AND A HAT SHALL LEAD YOU. This time that hypothetical hat is Larry Fedora, who interviewed with Tennessee in NYC yesterday, joining Charlie Strong and Mike Gundy as the final three. This means Larry Fedora will be the coach at Tennessee if we're making wagers, since a.) it feels like Gundy's just fishing for a raise after spending his whole career at Oklahoma State, and b.) Charlie Strong might be interested, but Louisville might very well make a real run at keeping him. Strong really does feel some loyalty towards them after the Cards gave him a job after A DECADE OF PEOPLE BASICALLY NOT HIRING HIM BECAUSE HE WAS BLACK. This actually happened, so get money, Charlie, and you'll be fine, Tennessee, since Larry Fedora is a really good coach who likes to score points and hit stuff.
MAN TAKES THE CHALLENGE OF AN INVISIBLE JOB. Former Ohio State assistant and Kent State coach Darrell Hazel will be taking on the ultimate challenge: coaching football in the mind, because this "Purdue" does not exist. He and Malzahn
DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE. Would you like to download Italian coach 2.0? Click YES.
JERRY MOORE GOT SCREWED. It's a bit harsher in the SoCon than we remembered.
ETC. PELICANS, BITCH.