THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED
Toomer's Corner. Poisoned, burned, the trees stand in the still cool air of a fall morning.
[birds, distant sound of cars]
dreams of fire
Shug the green!
Shug The Green: Shhhh. We must move silently, War Treegle. Auburn is in trouble.
War Treegle: how we were on watch and
Shug The Green: You fell asleep, stupefied by a powerful spell.
War Treegle: What wizard accomplished this feat?
Shug The Green. Chiz-Ik. He spake at press conferences in somnambulisms; it put ye to sleep, and every other ear who heard them slumbered. Then he corrupted the kingdom further. He hired mercenaries whose only loyalty came in gold and looted treasure.
War Treegle: egads no did he use soldiers
Shug The Green: Worse. A Trooper. They knew you would wake and come for them, so they staged your assassination at the hands of an Alabama fan. When that failed, they tried to burn you. None of it worked.
War Treegle: fetch my cane and a Bo Jackson
war leafle together with bo jackson we must walk
and cleanse this place
of the wizard
and his assistants
who don't even understand how to properly buy a recruit
through fifth-root bag men
and never in american cash--
but in euros and gift cards
just like ol shug used to do
you goddamn amateurs
war treegle believes in auburn
and in doing things right
and never paying full price for a defensive tackle
because bargains and auburn are two values that never die
[THROWS GENE CHIZIK INTO THE SUN]