FIREHORSE AND VOLTAIRE DEBATE THE ROLE OF PERSONALITY IN COACHING
There is a report saying that at least one Oregon booster would not miss Chip Kelly on his rumored departure from the program due to his lack of social skills and general intolerance for what we'll call "the Mack Brown parts" of the head coaching position. Here to comment on that are Voltaire and Firehorse.
Nothing gold can stay. Were the wind not so transient, then the sailor's skills would be as rudimentary as breathing, and would we not then simply call him a pedestrian of the cerulean highway? Were the light not so fickle, and the hand not so steady, would the painter earn his billet in the king's stables, upwind from the foulness of the horse-manse enveloping the rest of his servants? The writer thinks not.
Science requires no manners, but art, yes, art demands the touch of a surgeon. Were life science and science alone, the Newtonian class would float above us on high, cloud-emperors deigning to dip their fingers into our affairs but for the correction of mortal foible and the petty lusts of the ceaseless primal impulse. An elegant rat trap with doors sprung by godly minds with fleshy fingers: oh, long may the dream of the benevolent panopticon live!
Yet the failures of science leave us with one consolation: art, and its practitioners. If Chip Kelly fails in soothing the sensibilities of the excessively human around him, it is his fault as a scientist. A variable left from his equations is perpetually the fault of the mathematician, not the equation. I have watched the royal balloonist fall from his ill-constructed buoyant air-spermatazoon, and did not once blame gravity.
O! He did make a jollificent splatter.
Monsieur Kelly has created his own lofty balloon, and reached such heights. Yet should he depart the balloon shall not miss him, nor his rude handling. In the case of machines, the hand never misses the pilot, and yet even shorter is the sorrow when a rough tyrant evacuates the cockpit. The machine survives for salvage; the same cannot be said of the pilot.
A WORD FROM FIREHORSE
HOLY JACK MORMON JESUS ON A DILDOCYCLE YOU PRANCING QUARTERCOCKS. YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES THE FANS? YOU KNOW WHO LIKES FANS?DAN HAWKINS LIKES FANS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HIRE DAN HAWKINS BUILDING COLORADO INTO SOMETHING STURDY AND DURABLE AND LASTING BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT AN OUTHOUSE HAS TO BE TO TAKE THE SHITPOUNDING AND PISS MONSOONS THE REST OF THE PAC-12 HAS SUBJECTED THEM TO. HE'S A GODDAMN REGULAR ARCHIMEDES FOR THAT SO FETCH HIM A BATHTUB YOU SPOILED TURDMARTIN YOU.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGG IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE YOU SPOILED TECHNICOLOR LYCRA WHORES. CHIP KELLY BUILT YOU A DEATH MACHINE A FULL-ON GODDAMN DEATH MACHINE THAT IS AT THIS MOMENT PROTECTING OUR PLANET FROM ASTEROIDS AND HUNTING TERRORISTS AND YES WATCHING FILM FOR THE ROSE BOWL. YOU SAY NO NO NO WE'RE PLAYING IN THE FIESTA BOWL BUT THEN BAM SURPRIIIIIIIIISE BITCHES CHIP'S GONNA SHOW UP AND DARE BOTH TEAMS TO PLAY YES EVEN YOU STANFORD YOU DID SOMETHING TO OUR PREGAME FOOD LAST TIME AND WE'VE GOT THE SOILED NEON YELLOW WICKING MANPANTIES TO PROVE IT
STOP MESSING WITH THEIR FOOD AND GIVING OREGON CRIPPLING TURBODIARRHEA STANFORD AAAHHHHH HARBAUGH TRICKS ARE THE WORST AND THEY ALL END WITH YOU GETTING THE TROTS---
CHIP KELLY'S TEAM IS GONNA PLAY TWO GAMES AND WIN BOTH BECAUSE THEY'VE MASTERED QUANTUM REALITY AND THE SPREAD OPTION. AND YEAH HE'S GONNA GO INTO THE PROS AND THIS WILL SUCK BECAUSE UNLIKE NICK SABAN WHO IS A MISERABLE HUMAN BEING WHO COACHES FOOTBALL TEAMS THAT ARE MISERABLE TO WATCH CHIP KELLY FOOTBALL IS A MOTHERFUCKING MECHANICAL BULL WITH A SURGICAL MASK THAT PUMPS PURE BZ GAS AND COCAINE INTO THE SYSTEM WHILE FIREWORKS SHOOT OUT OF YOUR ASS. WHERE DID THOSE FIREWORKS COME FROM? CHIP PUT THEM THERE NOT WITH HIS HANDS BUT WITH HIS MIND BECAUSE A.) HE'S TELEKINETIC B.) AND BECAUSE YOUR ASS IS NASTY AND CHIP'S NOT HANDLING ANYTHING DIRTIER THAN A HANDSHAKE WITH JIM MORA.
THAT MAN HASN'T WASHED HIS HANDS SINCE 1997 AND IT IS LIKE GRASPING THE HAND OF A GOLEM.
ALL HE DOES IS DESTROY THING AND WIN FOOTBALL GAMES AND NOT TALK TO GLADHANDING BOOSTERS LIKE THEY MATTER. CHIP KELLY AND ANY OTHER COACH AT OREGON HAS TO DO ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY FOR THEIR MONEY BESIDES WIN, AND THAT'S TRAVEL TO KNIGHT'S ESTATE ON MOUNT CARNAGE, DISROBE, AND HAVE VIOLENT SEX WITH THE DEVIL ONCE A YEAR. KELLY DOES IT IN TWO MINUTES BECAUSE HE'S A BELIEVER IN THE HURRY-UP AND NOW SO IS THE DEVIL. IT HELPS THAT CHIP REALLY ISN'T HIS TYPE. POOR MIKE BELLOTTI. THE DEVIL LOVED HIS ASS AND I'LL LEAVE THAT STATEMENT VAGUELY ATTACHED TO "HIS ASS [SYNECDOCHE]" OR HIS ASS ['THE BUTT PART"]
AND BECAUSE HE LACKS SOCIAL SKILLS YOU SAY YOU WON'T MISS HIM SURE THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY UNTIL THEY GO TO CHRIS PETERSEN AND HE'S LIKE--
--AND THEN YOU HAVE TO FIND SOME REALLY LIKABLE GUY TO FIRE BECAUSE YOU WANTED A COACH WHO DOES THINGS LIKE "TALK" AND "EMOTE" AND "DOES SOMETHING OTHER THAN TUNNEL HIMSELF INTO A BUNKER YOU PAY FOR HIM TO DO FOOTBALL THINGS IN 24 HOURS A DAY." AND HE'LL BE REAL FUN YEAH JUST REAL FUN WHEN OTHER TEAMS RUN FAKE FIELD GOALS ON HIM ALL DAY BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THAT SHIT WHERE ALL INCOMPETENT COACHES HAVE THE SAME THING AND THAT'S THE FAKE PUNT OR FIELD GOAL IT'S LIKE THE CANCER TEST HOW BIG IS YOUR FIST BAM! THAT'S THE FAKE FIELD GOAL OF STUPID TESTS, MAN
FUCK YOUR FEELINGS. THAT'S WHAT FIREHORSE IS SAYING. TAKE YOUR FEELINGS AND PUT THEM IN THE SEXY CLOTHES OF YOUR CHOICE. MAYBE YOUR FEELINGS ARE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. MAYBE THEY'RE A MAN. MAYBE THEY'RE A MANNEQUIN NAMED SABRINA THE TEEN WITCH AND FIREHORSE REALLY SUDDENLY GOT SAD THAT THERE ARE NOT MORE TELEVISION SHOWS WITH TALKING PUPPET CATS BECAUSE AAAHHHHHH FIREHORSE'S RAGE IS ONLY MATCHED BY THE SWEET AND PAINFUL TINGLING OF NOSTALGIA!
COME BACK SALEM SABERHAGEN! COME BACK FOR THE ANGRY HEART OF FIREHORSE NOW! ALSO FUCK YOUR FEELINGS OREGON BOOSTERS! FUCK THEM LIKE THE DEVIL SAVAGED THE TENDER SADDLEPARTS OF MIKE BELLOTTI! AHHHHHHH I HATE EVERYTHING ESPECIALLY YOU PERSON-WHO-IS-NOT-A-WITTY-ROBOT-CAT!!!!