MASCOT BUFFET: LEAST TO MOST EDIBLE, 61-42

Ronald Martinez

FANIBALISM CONTINUES WITH KENNELMEATS AND GIANT CATS

Parts one. Part two. Part three. And now the list continues into the dogs and cats, and then into things which might actually be sort of edible in a publicly unacceptable fashion.

61. Mizzou Tiger. Least edible of all tigers due to meth-y diet.

60. Clemson Tiger. Low country tiger. Yay, grits; boo, hint of burning tire.

59. Auburn Tiger. You're lured in by the promise of FREE TIGER STEAKS but it's a trap that gets you stuck in a combination youth group/timeshare meeting for six hours. Still: authentic Weber flavor.

58. LSU Tiger. Injected with spiced butter, marinated overnight in cajun spices, double-fried in a batter-smoker for seven hours before being served with crawfish sauce atop five giant pieces of fried eggplant and a whole fried redfish. Don't know what a batter-smoker is? Neither does Les Miles, but it won eight games as a starting QB for LSU, and you deserve a bit of blind faith after that, don't you?

57. Memphis Tiger. Delicious and tender when served in the local manner. Still, you can't help but feel like this is really more of a basketball meat.

56. BYU Cougar. It's a clean and polite meat, and can be caught walking right up to your door.

55. Penn State Nittany Lion. "This is the greatest meal in all the world, greater than anything Ripert or Morimoto could create together." To me, it tasted like warmed over sloppy joe wrapped in a 1986 Sports Illustrated. But this was State College, and I knew better than to disagree.

54. Kent State Golden Flash: No one knows what the hell a golden flash is. Assign random value of funyuns glued into ball attached to bungee cord.

53. Pitt Panthers. A difficult meal to prepare, which is why most cooks punt and order something else.

52. Fresno State Bulldog. There is a reason you spend the extra two dollars a pound and don't buy the "CLEARANCE - WAC CLOSING" meats.

51. Northern Illinois Huskie. A tastier-than-you-think kennelmeat unfairly slandered by the time Florida State choked and died eating it in the Orange Bowl.

50. Washington Husky. Jerramy Stevens is one of its most notable enthusiasts, praising its leanness, flavor, and especially the rabies. "The rabies is what makes it special," said Stevens in his r/kennelmeats AMA of April 2011.

49. Mississippi State Bulldog. The cowbells do not "scare away the foodborne illnesses." Not by a longshot.

48. UTSA Roadrunner. Be honest: what you want to taste like pheasant tastes like a vacuum-dried chicken wing left to hang in the back of your smoker uncle's F-150 for a few months.

47. Arkansas State Red Wolf. An energy drink made of Fun Dip, Faygo, and ground-up Shakira CD cases. I can't believe you thought this was a sure thing, John L. Smith.

46. Nevada Wolfpack. Steady diet of lost drifters gives their flesh the thrill of second-hand cannibalism AND the punch of three cans of Steel Reserve per imperial pound.

45. Florida Atlantic Owl. Close examination reveals the Florida Atlantic Burrow Owl is, in reality, a penguin that Howard Schnellenberger equipped with a huge pair of novelty sunglasses. His name is Keith, and he has been Schnellenberger's personal manager and closest friend since 1997. You should probably just leave him alone.

44. NC State Wolfpack. It's not the wolf-meat that tastes so bad, but that by definition there's just so fucking much of it to eat at once.

43. Ball State Cardinals. Per Indiana law is served, as all food in the state is, with giant tub of mayonnaise as a side, and with the server whispering "All glory is fleeting" in the diner's ear.

42. Eastern Michigan Eagles. The most unique of meats in that it exists despite having never been alive.

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