Most things in life can be explained through George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice. College football programs are no different. One contains courageous heros, anti-heroes, evil sadists, and greedy, land thieving lords that metaphorically examines the best and worst parts of our society. But enough about college football. I hope ya'll enjoy this list.
"All men are fools, if truth be told, but the ones in motley are more amusing than the ones with crowns"
Alabama Crimson Tide- House Martell
The most powerful southern house whose leader, Doran Martell (The Warden of the South), is calculating and merciless. Nick Saban’s “process” is similar to the way Doran plans his house’s moves. The Dornish people’s ways are questioned by the rest of the kingdom but no one questions the power they wield.
Ohio St. Buckeyes- House Bolton
A powerful northern house whose leader, Roose Bolton, takes leech bathes to help his health. Urban Meyer probably does the same thing to help his heart and stress. Bolton is opportunistic and even helped betray his neighbors to gain more power sort of like how Meyer bolted Florida for the north.
Texas Longhorns- House Tyrell
A powerful and wealthy southern family led by a man who looks the part of a competent leader (Mace Tyrell) but struggles in battle planning. He's the Mack Brown of Westeros. House Tyrell has made many enemies by keeping their large supply of grains to their own region leaving their neighbors starving. Pretty much like Texas has done with the LHN.
Oklahoma Sooners- House Tully
The most powerful house of their region. They have ruled over their lands like OU has ruled the Big 12. Bob Stoops plays the part of Hoster Tully being even keeled and just. He even has his Blackfish brother back (MIke Stoops).
Michigan Wolverines- The Night’s Watch
Once a powerful northern entity whose influence and strength has dwindled. Both have a rich and storied history of great leaders (Shembechler) who have struggled to adapt to modern times. The Night’s Watch now depends on the southern lands who posses greater population numbers to take the black. A Man of the Night’s Watch carries a respect throughout Westeros like a Michigan Man. The Night’s Watch has been tarnished recently with a mutiny like all the Michigan Men undermining Rich Rodriguez and the minor NCAA penalties his regime left in Ann Arbor. (It was hard to resist making Brady Hoke Hodor)
Southern Cal Trojans- House Lannister
The most powerful western house whose wealth and resources are unmatched by others in their region. Their recent leaders, Pete Carrol and Tywin Lannister, took them all the way to the Iron Throne, while their new leaders, Lane Kiffin and the boy King Joffrey (both s&m egomaniacs with no clue how to lead), seem to be lacking the abilities of the their predecessors and are unliked by seemingly everyone. (Just let that Lane Kiffin and Joffrey comparison sink in a minute).
Oregon Ducks- House Greyjoy
A Western House who’s best when on attack. Their former leaders, Balon Greyjoy and Mike Belotti failed to lead them to their full potential and now with new leadership (Chip Kelly), they are a power to be reckoned with. Like the Ducks, the men of the Iron Islands use an attacking style based on speed and surprise leaving defenses and coastal settlements confused. “What is dead may never die but rises again stronger.”
Nebraska Cornhuskers- House Frey
A house whose power comes from their centralized location. The Freys betrayed their neighbors in a power play to help overthrow the Tullys. Nebraska did something similar leaving their neighbors for financial stability in the Big Ten. The Freys have seemingly endless number of heirs, just like all the Pelini’s.
Auburn Tigers- House Baratheon
House Bratheon has sat on the Iron Throne recently through a rebellion in which Robert Baratheon proved his ability by slaying Rhagar at the Trident. Robert’s war-hammer and Cam Newton’s abilities surprised many and held the throne before it was eventually lost again. Now House Baratheon depends on the clenched chin of Stannis (Gene Chizick) who has come to rely too much on the magic of the Red Woman Melisandre. Her dealing are effective and shrouded with mystery and controversy, similar to Trooper Taylor. Stannis has proven what most people have assumed about him; he looks the part and he acts the part of a competent head coach but he’s lacking in man management. Enter Gus Malzahn, the charismatic next line who galvanizes the Auburn banners follows the part of Renly Baratheon.
Notre DameFighting Irish - House Arryn
An ancient and noble house whose power has waned in recent years. House Arryn’s location in the Vale is isolated and difficult to travel to like South Bend. The Fortress itself is breathtaking and anyone who has traveled there has been in awe of its beauty. South Bend has a similar effect on visitors. House Arryn claims to have the purist lineage of any house which sounds exactly like something Notre Dame would say.
Penn State Nittany Lions- House Stark
An ancient and powerful house whose role as Warden of the North them great honor. Ned Stark shamed himself just before his death by lying about being a traitor to the realm. While legendary coach Joe Paterno’s exact role isn’t known he certainly put his legacy in question. The House is now in a state of flux with great unknown about what the future will hold for this family. It is unsure if this house can return to power or if it will fail to regain the power it once had. Just like the historic Wintefell becomes draped in snowfall, on Saturday home games Beaver stadium is capped by over one-hundred thousand fans wearing white.
Washington State Cougars- Wildlings
Washington State has elected a charming new “King beyond the Wall” in Mike Leach, who, like Mance Raydor, is an extremely diverse man who is talented in many ways. Leach has unified the mysterious people of the north and his unorthodox tactics are ready to be unleashed against their foes.
Florida Gators - House Targaryan
A former glorious house whose time on the Iron Throne has come to the end after the head of the house, Aegon Targaryan turned mad and turned to crazy tactics at the end of his reign. Urban Meyer developed health problems instead of going mad, bud he didn’t exactly leave the Gators house in order. Muschamp has been diligent in building the Gator’s roster back so they can return to the top of the sport similar to how Daneryous is building an army on the eastern continent to reclaim her family’s throne.
Texas A&M Aggies - House Reed of the Crannogmen
The Aggies are a people of quirky and eccentric traditions and ways of doing things (male cheerleaders only) unlike any other schools. The crannogmen live in the swamps on top of marshes where their homes actually float around with the tides. The crannogmen have survived by choosing their allies wisely like A&M has done by choosing the SEC to align themselves with.
West Virginia Mountaineers - Dothraki
The Dothraki are known to invade foreign plains like the Mountaineers will be doing in their first year in the Big 12. Dothraki battle tactics are similar to Holgorson’s offensive game plan. They come in fast and pillage. Also, the Dothraki don’t cut their hair until they have been defeated in battle. This explains Holgo’s hair.
Wisconsin Badgers - House Umber
A powerful northern house who is more than formidable in battle. The Greatjohns always wield considerable power, but are unable to win the big one. No one can explain why, but the Greatjohns just breed bigger than most others kind of like Wisconsin offensive linemen.
Boise St. Broncos - The Stone Crows
These hill people are always underestimated because they possess neither the wealth or weaponry on the rest of the realm. They dwell from a low populated area and when they travel to more sophisticated parts of the kingdom they shock the urban dwellers with their spirit and ability. They are politically flexible only loyal to their selves. They are willing to change alliances at a moment’s notice to whoever brings them more power and more wealth for their tribe. Boise’s conference changes follow the same suit as they will do anything to be part of a power conference. The Stone Crows once traded their support for goats (among other things) which is the most Boise thing ever.
BYU Cougars - The Brotherhood without Banners
A group that gave up their allegiances to forge a bond within. The Brotherhood without Banners are seen as outsider to the rest of Westeros. They follow a leader shrouded in mystery that the rest of the realm seems to not quite understand. After declaring themselves independent they began to wreck havoc on the rest of the continent. BYU has done a similar thing, as I feel as though I’ve seen 14 BYU games this year and they’ve all ended up 13-7.
LSU Tigers - The Brave Companions
Also known as the Bloody Mummers, the Brave Companions are a feared group of sell-swords. Known for their cruelty and performance in battles, the Brave Companions strike fear into their enemies. For some time, the Brave Companions called the foreboding Castle Harrenhal home. Tiger Stadium in Death Valley elicits similar reactions to visitors. Their leader, Vargo Hoat, rides a zorse (zebra) and I’m surprised Les Miles hasn’t entered Tiger Stadium that way.