MASCOT BUFFET: LEAST TO MOST EDIBLE, 103-83

That cheerleader - he has the thirst. - Wesley Hitt

DMX TESTED, DMX APPROVED

It is a well-known fact that rankings are what set us apart as a species from grubs and sponges and stupid-ass birds. Do you think sparrows are sitting around ranking which mascots are most edible? They are not, and that is why we will lord over them FOREVER. Disagree with a ranking? Open a human-meat restaurant and prove us wrong with profit!

83. Vanderbilt Commodore. Carries service for eight and a bottle of Gewürztraminer, chilled to the perfect temperature, on his person at all times. If you're going to cannibalize, at least do it with some decorum.

84. Illinois Fighting Illini. Far less difficult to hunt than the name suggests. The fight consists of him puking on you and arguing that Pierre Thomas is the greatest running back in college history. His beer sweats make for a delightful marinade, though.

85. Oklahoma State Cowboy. Skin is made of freshly baked bread and blood has been replaced with au jus. T. Boone does this for all of his friends and associates, because T. Boone will be prepared when the end times come.

86. Army Black Knight. Flesh so smooth and succulent that the knife cuts through it with ease.

87. Utah State Aggie. Helps that the quarterback is named after a cut of beef. Will really shoot up the rankings once they sign three-star linebacker Brisket Delmonico.

88. Central Michigan Chippewa. People will eat literally anything to try and get Dan Enos fired these days.

89. Florida State Seminole. Eat this, and your mind will be sent on a spirit quest. You will see the face of God. But then you fire God, because he hung around for too long and kept letting his son Jesus call plays. THROW THE DAMN BALL JESUS THE SAFETY'S CHEATIN' UP.

90. Idaho Vandal. He broke in. You were minding your own business. Frontier law says not only can you charcuterie him - you have no choice but to do so.

91. Texas A&M Aggie. You're probably best off not knowing that your meal practices cheering before games, kisses their best steady after touchdown, and builds and burns pile of wood for leisure purposes BECAUSE IT'S OUR TRADITION. IT'S MORE THAN TU. IT'S ABOUT US. IT'S ABOUT CIVIC PRIDE. IT IS WHO WE ARE. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

92. Stanford Cardinal. Not as tasty as Pope, but we're trying to be environmentally conscious.

93. New Mexico State Aggie. Though you expect him to be of good health due to his knowledge of crops and animal husbandry, you slice open his stomach and find it is full of stolen handcuff keys and Airheads.

94. Nebraska Cornhusker. You are what you eat. Which is probably boring. But nice!

95. UTEP Miner. You'd be surprised by what you'd eat if you were underground for 30 days with limited food or resources. Or while getting a handjob on a mountain. While watching UTEP football.

96. Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin Cajun. Amazing. And my god, the sauce. Fuck the ripoff, Zaxby's, though. Do not plan any physical exertion for at least a week after eating.

97. Eastern Carolina Pirate. As you slide this dish into the oven, you will be sure you have cleaned it of all hair. You have not, by a longshot.

98. Oklahoma Sooner. Oklahoma Sooner: Just a little bit bloody because you ate it a little bit early. Kind of smells like meth lab byproducts though, so, exotic? WARNING: Do not eat after mid-December.

99. Troy Trojan. Just like USC, except in Alabama. So found on some road no one's ever heard of, run over, and been dead for 2 days. 48 hour rule, bro.

100. Hawaii Warrior. Not the worst, but better in its discontinued Rainbow version, because SKITTLES.

101. USC Trojan. Get past the hardwood exterior and the flesh tastses surprisingly like pork. Delicious, and socially acceptable, as long as you don't let them stab a sword into your 50 yard line before dining, of course. Then it'd be a grave injustice.

102. Massachusetts Minuteman. Jokes about premature ejaculation aside, these cook up really quick, which means you will probably burn them on the stove when you get distracted by Predator 2.

103. Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Difficult to trap, yes, but worth it, because all Irish people are secretly made of heart, star, and clover shaped marshmallows.

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