TODAY WE ARE THANKFUL

On this Thanksgiving, we take time to appreciate that which we are fortunate to have received this season:

We are thankful for preseason rankings, because no really you guys USC can beat Alabama stop laughing at us.

We are thankful for Mark Jones, because sometimes Ambien doesn't quite do the job.

We are thankful for September Heisman Trophies, and climate controlled storage units where Geno Smith can store them all.

We are thankful the NCAA is investigating Auburn because this and Planck's are our two favorite constants in life
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We are thankful that Jeff Tedford's Rush cover band, "Caress of Steel", can finally get its feet off the ground.

We are thankful for Johnny Football, even if he is part of the slow decline of nicknames in American culture. WIthin six years we will have a "Bigthrow Strongums."

We are thankful for Steve Spurrier. This requires no clarifications or qualifiers.

We are thankful for the continued success of Details magazine, the Notre Dame of periodicals.

We are thankful that Jim Delany will totally be wanted for the murder of a fellow American ex-pat in Belize in about 10 years.

We are thankful that Big Ten football is only a vivid hallucination that results from the chem trails, PAWWWWWWWLLLLLL.

We are thankful for grass, because it is the only thing that keeps Les Miles from turning into a sexy werewolf.

We are thankful for conference realignment because it is in the best interest of the children. Or something.

We are thankful that cows are not carnivores because that would get ironic and inconvenient very quickly.

We are thankful that K-State lost because Bill Snyder and old people are smug about enough shit already.

We are thankful for Texas A&M for bringing the innovative concept of "scoring" to the SEC.

We are thankful that Florida is the fourth best team in the country YOU WILL NOT QUESTION THIS OF COURSE WE CAN SCORE THIRTY POINTS YOU JUST HAVE TO GIVE US A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

We are thankful for Oski, and congratulate his terrifying visage on becoming the new coach at Cal.

We are thankful Oski is not looking over our shoulder right at this moment. If he is, do not tell us. Let the end be swift, and our souls be oblivious.

We are thankful for Matt Elam's prescriptions being very, very out of whack.

We thankful that the 2012 Presidential Election was won by Nick Saban in a historical landslide write in campaign. Roll tide.

We are thankful that a school exists that would hire Mike Locklsey and Bob Davie in succession.

We are thankful for Matt Millen, especially because he has his head caught in our mailbox for the past two days and seems very calm about it all.

We are thankful that Brian Kelly will never find his dick.

We are thankful for Craig James, U.S. Senator.

We are thankful for Gene Chizik for showing us the definition of too blessed to be stressed.

We are thankful for Brad Wing, the SEC's second marsupial football figure. (Terry Bowden, you will always be first.)

We are thankful for the gorilla who died so that Urban Meyer may live.

We are thankful USC not only lived up to our preseason expectations, but indeed exceeded them in every way.

We are thankful that Mack Brown has a turkey stuffed inside a large rare bird each Thanksgiving just so he can throw it in the trash.

We are thankful that Johnny Manziel. (That's it.)

We are thankful that Dana Holgorsen's wings can never be clipped. Fly free, free bird. Fly free.

We are thankful that UConn will inevitably fall assbackwards into the NFC East.

We are thankful for the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community, the weight room, and the community---

We are thankful that our team has not lost to Nebraska.

And East Carolina.

And Western Kentucky.

And Louisville.

And Boise State.

And UCF.

And Marshall.

And Rice.

And UAB.

And SMU.

And UTEP.

And probably Memphis, shortly. (Seriously, Southern Miss, what the fuck.)

Naturally, we are most thankful for hand turkeys, which is what Les Miles calls masturbation.

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