FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: VIRGINIA TECH AT MIAMI

THE FACTOR FIVE IS LATE BUT IT'S NEVER TOO LATE GET FACTOR'D

The Factor Five, as always, determines the winner of the Thursday night game with a mix of five different extremely unscientific factors: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity, Mascot, Aura, Names, and Grudges/Scores to Settle/Sheer Cussedness.

Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Miami is 119th in rushing defense. There are 120 teams in the nation, and Miami is 119th in the category of allowing teams not to run by them with the ball in their hands toward their own endzone. Al Golden said he would watch the cows during your kegger. This is what happens when Al Golden watches the cows during your kegger.

Cows-and-beer-500x273_medium

Call the cops, bitch. See if we care.

That may be the only really relevant stat here. This is a game involving Virginia Tech, and Virginia Tech under Frank Beamer would prefer to run the ball on every down possible until you stop them. Miami cannot stop them, and that is why the Hurricanes' best strategy would be to let the Hokies' running backs through, allow them to sprint into the empty stands of ProSharkLifeSunPlayerStadium, and fall into the dimensional vortex that has swallowed 80% of the Hurricanes' home attendance.

ADVANTAGE: Virginia Tech

YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D, VIRGINIA TECH.

Mascot. On one side we have the Hokie Bird, mascot king of the bench press and the inappropriate gym erection. On the other, we have one of the few mascots who have both appeared in public with an AK-47 and been arrested in the course of doing their duties.

Sebastianarrested_display_image_medium

When someone says, DURRR NFL RULZ, just show them this. If they do not understand, terminate your friendship immediately.

We would call this a tie--that Turkey is pushing a lot of weight with good form--but Miami breaks the tie only by once having a boxer who flew planes as their mascot. He disappeared running a load of cash back to to the Cali cartel in '78, and was replaced by Sebastian shortly thereafter.

Hurricanedog

Keep customs off my ass and I'll make it worth your while, lady.

ADVANTAGE: Miami

YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D, MIAMI.

Aura. SunLife stadium is unquestionably the worst major stadium in BCS football, a hexagonal horcrux containing a fragment of the soul of what used to be two franchises, Miamis Hurricane and Dolphin. The press boxes are labyrinthine and appear to be wired to support a really advanced 1982 Dolby Soundsystem, and not an actual internet-friendly press operation. Devoid of shade, the stadium dares people to get there from Miami in less than one hour from downtown, and then to not get lost forever in the Everglades after you suffer heatstroke after two quarters of football. The name is sold to someone else every year, thus degrading the value of the stadium's name each time by forcing people to remember its latest stupid fucking name.

It has working bathrooms, abundant parking, and working lights. These are its only advantages over the old Orange Bowl, the now-demolished totem of Miami's bygone greatness. It also won't catch on fire during a game, and that's sort of a shame. It would be no real loss if it did.

Advantage: Virginia Tech

YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D, VIRGINIA TECH.

Names.

MIami

Vaughn Telemaque

Gray Crow

Thurston Armbrister

Nantambu Akil-Fentress

JaWand Blue

Virginia Tech

Jeron Gouveia-Winslow

E.L. Smiling

Donaldven Manning

Dadi Nicolas

David Wang

Advantage: Miami in a landslide

YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D, MIAMI.

Grudges/Scores to Settle/Sheer Cussedness. VT has won three in a row at this point and seven of the last nine, but this is the Coastal Division, and you know what they say about the ACC Coastal:

Fh2v0_medium

A win here takes VT to 3-2 in the Coastal, and places them right back in the race to get back to Charlotte for a shot at the ACC title. These two teams do not like each other a lot, mostly because both blame each other for having to drive an hour north of Miami to play a football game in a giant cursed piece of concrete Cracklin' Oat Bran.

Advantage: Virginia Tech

YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D, VIRGINIA TECH.

SUMMARY JUDGMENT: 3-2 means the Factor Five lands firmly in the corner of Virginia Tech. We're okay with that if the Hokie Bird does something about that erection because come on dude, that's like, not even cool in Rick Muscles' Gymnasium sponsored by Unnatural Boner.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker