Well I don't know what in the good-gosh-golly hell y'even need a got-dang "viewers' guide" for this weekend, it ain't like there's but one football game you need to be watchin', and that's ALABAMA-LSU! ROLL TAHHHHHD!!! But what the hayll, if y'all INSIST on watchin' somethin' else instead of spendin' the whole day tailgatin' for the BIGGEST BAMA-LSU GAME OF THE CENTURY SINCE THE ONE A FEW MONTHS BACK, fine, here's a bunch of other garbage you can choose from.
All times Eastern for some reason, even though Tuscaloosa and Baton Rouge are both in the CENTRAL time zone and that makes it GOD'S OWN TIME ZONE ROLL TAHHHHHD!!!
What you'll be watching: Virginia Tech at Miami (ESPN, 7:30 p.m.)
Like Myspace, the Iraq War and, well, pretty much everything associated with ACC football, this rivalry seemed like a lot more fun back in 2003. Today, though, all you've got is a pair of 4-4 teams trying desperately to break out of a four-team scrum in the Coastal Division and ensure that Duke — yes, that Duke — doesn't end up the division's representative to the conference title game. I dunno, guys . . . everyone I know would be riotously entertained by such a development.
What you should be watching instead: Middle Tennessee State at Western Kentucky (ESPNU, 9:15 p.m.)
Can you honestly say that neither of these squads could beat either of the teams in Thursday's "marquee" ACC matchup right now? You can, but you probably shouldn't. Settle in with "30 Rock" at 8 p.m., then flip over to this once "Parks and Rec" is over, and you'll end up with a right enjoyable evening unencumbered by the existential despair of either Frank Beamer or Al Golden.
What you'll be watching: Washington at California (ESPN2, 9 p.m.)
"I've seen things you wouldn't believe," said the Tedfordbot 3000 as he pulled Sarkisian onto the rooftop. "Secondaries on fire on the Palouse. I've watched Oregon's helmets glitter in the dark near the Willamette River. All those moments will be lost in time . . . like tears in rain. Welp, time to die." [/gives up 40 points to the Huskies]
What you should be watching instead: "Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team" (CMT, 9 p.m.)
As a lifelong Washington Redskins fan, this is the only time I'll ever point you toward anything Cowboys-related. Stick around for the exciting denouemént, in which one lucky rookie cheerleader is named a squad co-captain after picking off three Tony Romo passes during practice. LOL NFL JOKES!
What you'll be watching: No. 16 Texas A&M at No. 17 Mississippi State (ESPN, noon)
What you should be watching instead: That. Basically everything else worth watching at this hour is strictly for novelty purposes:
- Auburn trying to avoid an unthinkable home loss to New Mexico State, which would almost certainly entail Gene Chizik being launched into the sun even before he can select a shacket for the postgame press conference.
- Maryland trotting out a quarterback made of papier-mâché and popsicle sticks against Georgia Tech.
- Mizzou, feeling good for the first time in weeks after that historic win over Kentucky, getting blindsided by an oncoming train in the form of an extremely perturbed Florida Gator defense.
Sadly, the chances of TAMU-MSU turning into another Snow Bowl — a la the last time these two teams met, a white-out blizzard in the 2000 Independence Bowl — are vanishingly slim. But even without that prospect, it's still really the only game at this hour that merits viewing as a legitimately exciting, well-played game rather than Let's All Watch the Drunk Try Not to Stumble Into a Storm Drain.
What you'll be watching: TCU at No. 23 West Virginia (Fox, 3 p.m.)
Holgo . . . we need to have a talk. Everything OK with you, buddy? You getting enough sleep? Haven't blown your entire nest egg at the craps tables? Something just seems . . . off with you lately. Twenty-eight total points over the last two games, both losses? That's just not like you at all. Granted, TCU's defense hasn't been its usual shut-down self this season, at least not since Big XII play started, but still, we'll leave you alone and give you some "me time" to decompress, knock back a few Jack and Cokes, and get things back on track.
What you should be watching instead: Texas at No. 20 Texas Tech (ABC, 3:30 p.m.)
I'm not the first person to have asked this question — or, rather, screamed it incredulously — but that doesn't mean it's not worth re-asking: What the crap is Texas still doing in the coaches' poll?!? The Longhorns' insistence on hanging on to the top 25 by their blood-stained fingertips means one of two things: That this weekend will be the final, long-overdue nail in the coffin of their rep as contenders, or that Mack Brown's glorious redemption at the expense of Tommy Tuberville is nigh. If the Red Raiders are planning on matching last season's trajectory by taking a month-long header into the depths of the Big XII standings, this'd be about the time they got to it.
What you'll be watching: No. 1 Alabama at No. 5 LSU (CBS, 8 p.m.)
Yeah, yeah, we've heard all your complaints about last year's Bama-LSU game — boring as all-get-out, slower than molasses going uphill, two teams that wouldn't recognize offense if it knocked the big-ass hat right off Les Miles' head. Y'ALL JUST DON'T KNOW SMASH-MOUTH FOOTBALL WHEN YOU SEE IT! THASS ESS-EEE-CEE FOOTBALL FOR YOU, COASTAL ELITISTS! YOU KIN COMPLAIN ALL YOU WANT, BUT YOU KNOW THIS HERE'S A PLAY-IN GAME FOR THE NASHNULL CHAMPINSHEEIP! ROLL TAHHHHHD!
What you should be watching instead: No. 2 Oregon at No. 18 USC (Fox, 7 p.m.)
If you're one of those people who's just CONVINCED that a 9-6 football game is by its very definition a travesty perpetrated by neanderthal football programs, rather than a mind-bogglingly intense trench battle between two of the best teams in the country, then fine, you go watch your sissy West Coast football, with your "points" and your "spread attack" and your "quarterbacks who can hit the broad side of a barn" and whatnot. WE'LL JUST BE OVER HERE POLISHING ANOTHER CRYSTAL FOOTBALL, PAWWWLLL!
SATURDAY LATE NIGHT
What you'll be watching: Arizona State at No. 13 Oregon State (ESPN2, 10:30 p.m.)
What you should be watching instead: No. 24 Arizona at No. 25 UCLA (Pac-12 Network, 10:30 p.m.)
Once again the Worldwide Leader gives us the lesser of two Pac-12 Fourthmeals while a more exciting pointsplosion is stashed away in the champagne room of the Pac-12 Network. BUT IT DON'T MATTER ANYWAY, 'CAUSE AFTER YOU DONE SEEN BAMA WHUP UP ON LSU YOU DON'T NEED TO WATCH ANY MORE FOOTBALL SINCE YOU PRETTY MUCH ALREADY SEEN THE NASHNUL CHAMPINSHEEIP! IF YOU REALLY WANNA WATCH A SPORTIN' EVENT AT THIS HOUR, YOU OUGHTA TURN ON WEST HAM UNITED VERSUS MANCHESTER CITY ON FOX SOCCER, IT'S A CRITICAL MATCHUP IN THE ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE, PAWWLLLLL!!! Oh, and, uh, Roll Tide again.