(an airport shuttle pulls away from Manhattan Regional Airport in Kansas, carrying PITTSBURGH COACH PAUL CHRYST, FLORIDA COACH WILL MUSCHAMP, RUTGERS COACH KYLE FLOOD, USC COACH LANE KIFFIN,and WYOMING COACH DAVE CHRISTENSEN.)
CHRYST: I still can't believe I agreed to this nerd-ass shit.
MUSCHAMP: What's nerdy about modelin'?
FLOOD: The invitation says Model U.N.
MUSCHAMP: Oh hell, I don't care what the model's name is. Yuen, Keung, Shiu - I love all them Asians. Worked with a lot of em in the 80s, back when I was doing advertisements during the offseason in Japan.
CHRISTENSEN: I don't know, this could be sort of fun! It's a good way to be competitive but in a very different way. What do you think, Lane?
KIFFIN: (keeps headphones on, pops throwback James Worthy jersey, flips Christensen the bird)
(The shuttle pulls up to a hotel and conference center, where KANSAS STATE COACH BILL SNYDER is waiting outside.)
SNYDER: Gentlemen, welcome! I hope your flights were all comfortable.
FLOOD: It was, thank you. And thank you for arranging for the airport pickup, Coach.
SNYDER: Oh, please, if you would, I'm not Coach today. I'm Secretary-General Billtros-Billtros Snydi. Now, please come in and find your assigned country packets.
(Snyder leads them inside, and eventually everyone takes a seat.)
SNYDER: We will now call the 2012 Model United Nations sponsored by Tostitos to order. Ambassadors, please stand and identify yourself and your country.
MARYLAND COACH RANDY EDSALL: Randy Edsall, Somalia.
EASTERN MICHIGAN COACH RON ENGLISH: Ron English, representing Bulgaria.
SYRACUSE COACH DOUG MARRONE: Nicaragua, Marrone.
KIFFIN: Lil' Kiff, G-Unit.
SNYDER: Ambassador Kiffin, as I explained before we began, the name of your country is Guatemala, and the United Nations does not recognize it as "G-Unit."
MISSISSIPPI STATE COACH DAN MULLEN: Dan Mullen, India.
UTAH COACH KYLE WHITTINGHAM: Kyle Whittingham here on behalf of Madagascar.
OKLAHOMA COACH BOB STOOPS: Bob Stoops, ambassador for...Ausfailia? I think my file has a typo, Mr. Secretary General.
SNYDER: Oh, no, I think you'll find everything is correct, Bob.
MEMPHIS COACH JUSTIN FUENTE: Justin Fuente, International Seabed Authority. Hey, that's not a country!
SNYDER: No, it's an organization with observer status at the U.N. It seemed appropriate somehow.
VANDERBILT COACH JAMES FRANKLIN: VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE ON BEHALF OF FRANCE! #FRANCOR_DOWN
MUSCHAMP: Says here I'm supposed to represent Chile but I ain't even got no damn bowl or grated cheddar cheese or nothin.
CHRYST: Paul Chryst, Belgium.
MICHIGAN COACH BRADY HOKE: Hello my name is Brady Hoke and I am here to be the ambassador to Mexico land of Mexican Pizza
SNYDER: That's...certainly an interesting costume you've put together, Brady. How did you guess you'd be assigned Mexico?
HOKE: huh these are just my jammies
KANSAS COACH CHARLIE WEIS: Ambassador Charles Weis, from the most regal nation of Cambodia.
CHRISTENSEN: Dave Christensen, Pakistan.
NOTRE DAME COACH BRIAN KELLY: I'm Brian Kelly and I'm claiming this United Nations for Saudi Arabia.
SNYDER: That's not how this works, Brian. The United Nations is a diplomatic body, not some territ-
KELLY: NOPE TOO LATE I CALLED IT YOU WORK FOR ME NOW.
FLOOD: Kyle Flood, representing Iceland.
AUBURN COACH GENE CHIZIK: Gene Chizik, ambassador from Japan.
SNYDER: Actually, we've just received a diplomatic cable - you've been removed as ambassador and replaced with a large piece of cardboard that says "NO KIEHL FRAZIER STOP."
CHIZIK: Aw, hell! (He storms out, leaving behind a thermos full of human teeth.)
TEMPLE COACH STEVE ADDAZIO: STEVE ADDAZIO, POWER FORWARD.
SNYDER: Close enough. Alright, ambassadors, your first scenario is as follows: an unknown virus has emerged in Central America and is spreading rapidly. Do the delegations from the region have a response?
MARRONE: Nicaragua has decided to leave Central America and join Eastern Europe.
KIFFIN: Guatemala does not comment on injuries.
FRANKLIN: FRANCE SENDS ITS FINEST DOCTORS AND NURSES TO HELP #WOO_FROG_SOOIE
STOOPS: Ausfailia will also send medical supplies.
SNYDER: Alert! Strong winds have blown the Ausfailian ships into Cambodia's harbors. All of the supplies were fumbled into the Indian Ocean.
WEIS: Cambodia will suffer no uninvited incursions and elects to sink the Ausfailian vessels.
SNYDER: Ambassador Weis, this will be considered an act of war.
WEIS: Then war it shall be. Cambodia also attacks India and Pakistan! ASSEMBLE, STEALTH TUK TUK ARMY! WE SHALL CRUSH THEM WITH OUR SUPERIOR STRATEGY!
(Two hours later, Cambodia has suffered fifteen nuclear attacks from a newly formed India-Pakistan alliance, Saudi Arabia has cut off all oil shipments worldwide, and Iceland has beaten Belgium in a war that nobody paid attention to.)
SNYDER: Ok...Madagascar, I see that you are accepting refugees from Somalia?
WHITTINGHAM: That's correct, Mr. Secretary-General, but we could use assistance. Over half the population is requesting asylum from General Edsall's regime.
EDSALL: This is my dream country! And we're going to only keep the people here who believe in that dream, even if the population drops to 245!
SNYDER: Will anyone else accept refugees fleeing Somalia?
MUSCHAMP: I'll take Wyclef, but not that Pras fella.
ADDAZIO: GHETTO SUPERSTAR!