THE CURIOUS INDEX,

John David Mercer-US PRESSWIRE

WE GOT YOU WHAT YOU GIVE OPPOSING OFFENSES, NICK SABAN: NOTHING.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICK SABAN. We got you the most metal birthday present of all for your 61st birthday.

The actual present Nick Saban woke to this morning: the warm embrace of the ESPN All-Access crew, in town to film the team's preparations for the upcoming matchup with LSU. Later this afternoon, he will receive a colonoscopy as a reward for this, because he will enjoy it more than having a camera crew up in his face for longer than three seconds.

HOW'S THAT PRO-STYLE OFFENSE GOING? So well that Auburn has decided to start Jonathan Wallace, a quarterback who at the end of the Texas A&M game was running something that looked a lot like the old Malzahn spread. Auburn does play New Mexico State this weekend, so they can take comfort in the fact that even if they do somehow lose to the Aggies, no conference can claim bragging rights over them. (Because New Mexico State has no conference.) (Everyone's just real blessed right now.)

THE USUAL DISASTER. Bill C examines the playoff we'd have this year, and boy wouldn't it be fun, and instead you get the Cotton Bowl. Houston Nutt says you better take the Cotton Bowl's name out yo mouth, son. He once made it two years in a row, and would be more than happy to tell you about it.

THERE IS AN EASY WAY TO STOP GETTING ARRESTED FOR DRIVING IMPROPERLY. BUY A DAMN BIKE, CALVIN BARNETT.

CHIP KELLY DOUBLE STACKIN'. Chip Kelly uses the double stack because of course Chip Kelly uses the double stack.

ETC: Waffle House just improves lives daily, often in ways you could not have possibly expected. Make your own Four Loko, and taste the delicious red flavor.

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