A GUIDE TO FLORIDA THINGS AND NEXT LEVEL FLORIDA THINGS

A BRIEF SURVEY OF THIS WEEK'S ENVIRONMENT

For those of you traveling to the Cocktail Party this weekend, we thought we would include a series of helpful reminders about things which are quintessentially Floridian. If you are ambitious, we also clarify what is Next Level Floridian for the overachievers out there looking to do it right in Duval County this week.

Florida: Village Inn.

Next Level Florida: Ordering an entire pie for yourself and masturbating quietly in a booth at Village Inn while reading a children's Bible.

Florida: Blaming Satan for reporting your septic tank code violation

Next Level Florida: winning a county board seat on an anti-satan platform, and then defluoridating the water supply.

Florida: Committing Identity Theft

Next Level Florida: Committing Identity Theft on yourself.

Florida: Buying all your Mother's Day presents at a Car Wash.

Next Level Florida: Selling your mother and also crack cocaine out of a car wash.

Florida: Indoor soccer practice facilities.

Next Level Florida: Explaining to your son why you are banned from an indoor soccer practice facility.

Florida: Having a derelict boat in your front yard.

Next Level Florida: Having a derelict boat surrounded by ATF agents in your front yard.

Florida: Texting while driving and ending up in a ditch.

Next Level Florida: Texting while driving and ending up in The Ditch, a combination strip club/walk-in clinic.

Florida: burning a business for the insurance money.

Next Level Florida: burning a horse for the insurance money, and then watching that panicked horse run into a preschool.

Florida: Bringing illegal fireworks to a Fourth of July party.

Next Level Florida: Bringing illegal fireworks to a bris.

Florida: Miniature golf.

Next Level Florida: Miniature Dolph Lundgren, the steroid czar of Dade County.

Florida: Wicker furniture.

Next Level Florida: Wicker replacement hips

Florida: Your sister gave a blow job to get backstage at an Uncle Kracker concert.

Next Level Florida: Your elderly uncle gives blow jobs behind the Cracker Barrel, and refers to it as "an Old Timer."

Florida: Cockfighting

Next Level Florida: Cockfighting at a family reunion interrupted by a fatal archery accident.

Florida: You have received unlicensed cosmetic surgical treatments in the last six months.

Next Level Florida: You have received unlicensed cosmetic surgical treatments at a Sam's Club in the past six weeks.

Florida: You are fined $500 for illegally spearfishing at night.

Next Level Florida: You insist to the judge that a bread knife glued to a PVC pipe is not technically a spear.

Florida: Having a large snake as a pet.

Next Level Florida: Attempting to rob a bank using the snake as a weapon, and then fleeing the scene shirtless on a trick bike.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker