A BRIEF SURVEY OF THIS WEEK'S ENVIRONMENT
For those of you traveling to the Cocktail Party this weekend, we thought we would include a series of helpful reminders about things which are quintessentially Floridian. If you are ambitious, we also clarify what is Next Level Floridian for the overachievers out there looking to do it right in Duval County this week.
Florida: Village Inn.
Next Level Florida: Ordering an entire pie for yourself and masturbating quietly in a booth at Village Inn while reading a children's Bible.
Florida: Blaming Satan for reporting your septic tank code violation
Next Level Florida: winning a county board seat on an anti-satan platform, and then defluoridating the water supply.
Florida: Committing Identity Theft
Next Level Florida: Committing Identity Theft on yourself.
Florida: Buying all your Mother's Day presents at a Car Wash.
Next Level Florida: Selling your mother and also crack cocaine out of a car wash.
Florida: Indoor soccer practice facilities.
Next Level Florida: Explaining to your son why you are banned from an indoor soccer practice facility.
Florida: Having a derelict boat in your front yard.
Next Level Florida: Having a derelict boat surrounded by ATF agents in your front yard.
Florida: Texting while driving and ending up in a ditch.
Next Level Florida: Texting while driving and ending up in The Ditch, a combination strip club/walk-in clinic.
Florida: burning a business for the insurance money.
Next Level Florida: burning a horse for the insurance money, and then watching that panicked horse run into a preschool.
Florida: Bringing illegal fireworks to a Fourth of July party.
Next Level Florida: Bringing illegal fireworks to a bris.
Florida: Miniature golf.
Next Level Florida: Miniature Dolph Lundgren, the steroid czar of Dade County.
Florida: Wicker furniture.
Next Level Florida: Wicker replacement hips
Florida: Your sister gave a blow job to get backstage at an Uncle Kracker concert.
Next Level Florida: Your elderly uncle gives blow jobs behind the Cracker Barrel, and refers to it as "an Old Timer."
Next Level Florida: Cockfighting at a family reunion interrupted by a fatal archery accident.
Florida: You have received unlicensed cosmetic surgical treatments in the last six months.
Next Level Florida: You have received unlicensed cosmetic surgical treatments at a Sam's Club in the past six weeks.
Florida: You are fined $500 for illegally spearfishing at night.
Next Level Florida: You insist to the judge that a bread knife glued to a PVC pipe is not technically a spear.
Florida: Having a large snake as a pet.
Next Level Florida: Attempting to rob a bank using the snake as a weapon, and then fleeing the scene shirtless on a trick bike.