MACK BROWN SPEAKS OUT AGAINST THE ANGLO-DUTCH LIBERAL SYSTEM OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE

"I just need three more new people to sell these calling cards..." - Kevin Jairaj-US PRESSWIRE

Texas coach Mack Brown is speaking publicly like a man about to lose his job. Can you blame him?

Woah ho ho... That zany Mack Brown. They say losing to your rival 63-21 is cathartic. Unfortunately that cleansing feeling is often one and the same with being abdicated of all applicable job responsibilities.

But even if Mack's potentially going to the unemployment line from a hot air balloon on the periphery of space, that doesn't mean we can't look at all the zany quote real talk quote bombs he's dropping as he keeps on filling up with more and more hot air. Some of these are actual real utterances of Texas' favorite really rich guy who does something, we're not exactly sure what, and others, well, they're certainly things that wouldn't be a stretch of the imagination to hear come from ol' Mackers smackers and probably wouldn't surprise you in the least:

  • "Charlie Weis is a great football coach, not a good one."
  • "Dennis Franchione is a titan of industry, not an extra in Alex Clare's "Too Close" music video."
  • "We know our opponents have the Longhorn Network and are taping it."
  • "We know our opponents have the Game Show Network and are taping The American Bible Challenge."
  • "I didn't ask for the Longhorn Network. We were given a deal we had no input in."
  • "I did, however, ask for beIN explicitly. I'll be pretty much the opposite of tickled pink if I can't watch the next Guatemala-Saint Kitts and Nevis friendly."
  • "I've got a microphone on every time I talk to the team. So I'm sure other coaches are sitting there watching me coach our team. The trick is I'm not saying anything substantive. I've just been repeating the same dialogue I got from 3 episodes of 'COACH' I saw on Nick at Nite about a decade ago."
  • "It is what it is."
  • "It isn't what it isn't is but maybe it could be if you come to Texas and see one of my many toilets with HD viewing monitors to prevent the boredom. It kills."
  • "Shenae Grimes from 90210 is the photographer for the photo shoot in week two, [a taxidermy-themed shoot]. I still don't know how to feel about that shoot because I don't wear fur. I don't know if we'll get hate mail about it. I'm not sure where I stand."
  • "Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!"
  • "We've done what we can as a staff with the injuries we've been dealt, and that means playing kids at a position they're new to. But you can' t turn a potato into a pineapple, even if you kidnap a whole van full of researchers."
  • "I've got no plans to retire. That's not how stud fees work."
  • "My opinion? This team can win every game left on the schedule, and a grapefruit can win the Heisman if you give him the support system he needs."
  • "Fixing this thing isn't a problem… For someone who's done LSD."
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