A WORD FROM CRAZY OLD TESTAMENT GOD ON GETTING WHAT YOU ASK FOR

YOU ASK FOR ADVICE WELL CRAZY OLD TESTAMENT GOD IS HERE TO HELP, AUBURN.

And now for an answer to a request from an influential member of the Auburn football Waffle House family.

This is the response I gave to one of our fans, Brandi Efferson, on facebook today. Maybe one of you will feel led to take this on.... "I have given quite a lot of prayerful consideration to your desire to help and make a difference this season and I do have a thought.

CRAZY OLD TESTAMENT GOD:

OH HO HO HO HO I BET YOU DO. GO ON, I"M FINISHING A SINKHOLE SWALLOWING EVERYTHING AROUND IT. I CALL IT JOHN L. SMITH. YOU'VE MET, I BELIEVE.

As you know, Social media can be a very powerful tool.

SO CAN CHOLERA. HOLY SWEET ZAXBY'S, DO I MISS CHOLERA. GONNA HAVE TO BRING THAT BACK FOR RETRO THURSDAYS.

Recent examples of its power can be cited by googling how it played a primary role in the Occupy Wall Street protests, the uprising in Egypt, the Konya 2012 movement,

KONYA?

...and the various flash mobs that randomly occur all over the world to name just a few examples.

OH COME ON FLASH MOBS ARE SO 2008. I KNOW AUBURN IS A FEW STEPS BEHIND BUT YOU HAVE A JIMMY JOHN'S IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE A WASTELAND.

YET.

[GLOWERS MENACINGLY WITH GIANT BARN FIRE IN HAND.]

Therefore, my humble suggestion is to create a VERY POWERFUL "ALL IN" movement of your own.

LIKE SODOM AND GOMORRAH? AT FIRST YOU HAD MY INTEREST, BUT NOW YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION, PUNY HUMAN.

We have fans all over the US and I think it is time that they RISE UP and snatch back what satan, himself, has stolen.

NOW WAIT A ME-DAMNED MINUTE, APE-FLEA. YOU CAN SAY A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT SATAN. DOES HE PRIDE HIMSELF ON HIS FIDDLE PLAYING A BIT MUCH? UNFORTUNATELY YES, BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM: YOU CAN GET REALLY GOOD AT ANY INSTRUMENT, AND YOU KNOW, YOU STILL HAVE TO USE IT TO PLAY MUSIC YOU LIKE. AND EVEN THOUGH IT SOUNDS HILARIOUS OVER A 20 CAR PILEUP, ROGUE METEOR STRIKING A MOUNTAIN SHEPHERD FOR LIKE NO REASON OTHER THAN WHOOPS! THURSDAY, OR ESPECIALLY FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE COMMANDING A MAN TO EAT TWENTY POUNDS OF BOLTS AS A TEST FROM, YOU KNOW, ME, WELL...IT'S STILL BLUEGRASS, AND I STILL DON'T LIKE IT VERY MUCH. IT'S A FAILING, AND I'LL OWN THAT

I ALSO DON'T LIKE PHILLIP ROTH, WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE I THINK WE'LL GET ALONG SOME DAY ON A MOLECULAR AND PERSONAL LEVEL, YOU KNOW?

ANYWAY, SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT SATAN, BUT THE GUY WORKS HARDER THAN ANYONE. ODIN HAS LITERALLY BEEN HIGH ON MY COUCH FOR THE PAST 2,000 YEARS. GODDAMN SWEDES AND THEIR PENSIONS AND FORTY MILLENNIA OF VACATION AND BUSTY BLONDES WHO JUST FREAK OUT LIKE SEXO-SPIDER MONKEYS AFTER THREE DRINKS AND THEIR MOTHERS WHO NEVER CALL AND SAY OHHHHH YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A NICE DEITY, BUT WHAT SORT OF WORK IS THIS---

I'M SORRY. PLEASE DON'T TELL MOTHER I SAID THAT. I'M JUST SAYING THAT SATAN'S GOT DEALS, BITCH. DEALS ALL DAY. YOU DON'T LIKE 'EM, DON'T SIGN THE CONTRACT WITH THE HARDWORKING RENT-TO-OWN BARON WITH THE SEXY LORD BYRON HAIR AND DISCO BALL IN HIS CARPETED VAN. HE'S AN EARNER, RIGHT MOM? RIGHT?

We serve a God who recovers ALL that "has been stolen" from us and there are times that He requires the efforts of His people to accomplish this truth.

OH I'M SORRY ODIN WAKE UP NO REALLY HERE YOU HAVE TO READ THIS--

[they laugh for a span of time unmeasurable in human terms, and considered excessive even by the loose chronological standards of Hindu gods--]

OH HOOOOWEEE I'M SORRY. GO BACK TO SLEEP ODIN. IF YOU DON'T PAY BACK RENT BY NEXT WEEK I'M KILLING ACE OF BASE IN A SPECTACULAR BUS WRECK OH STOP YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER DO THAT. I SAW THE SIGN AND IT SAID ACE OF BASE HAS YOUR HEART FOREVER, CRAZY OLD TESTAMENT GOD. SETTLE DOWN, THEY'RE FINE.

Just think about the effect it will have first for the players and their families who sacrifice daily but how it will impact the fan base as a whole.

SACRIFICE? AGAIN, YOU PULL ME BACK IN.

During the season of 2010 the fans came together each Friday afternoon to send our boys off with a reverse tiger walk and the effect of just that alone was palpable enough that it carried over onto the field each and every Saturday.

[/FINDS CONTRACT]

ACCORDING TO THIS DOCUMENT I HAVE IN MY HAND, COACH CHIZIK SIGNED AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT DEAL THAT SENT AN EFFECT ONTO THE FIELD. THE PAYMENT PER A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE WHO MY MOTHER THINKS IS A REAL EARNER--[ROLLS EYES]--WILL BE ONE CAM NEWTON IN EXCHANGE FOR UNENDING MISERY FOR A DECADE AND ENDORSEMENT IN A CLOTHING LINE OF INNOVATIVE SHACKETS.

I SAID HE WORKED HARD. I NEVER SAID HE HAD TASTE IN CLOTHING.

I encourage you to think outside the box and create something that will show the rest of the world WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO and why when we refer to ourselves as FAMILY that we mean it.

THE ALLCAPS ARE SHOUTING LADY AND ARE TOTALLY UNNECESSARY.

I look forward to see what you come up with. Blessings, Jonna Chizik P.S. feel free to share all of this as you feel led! WAR EAGLE"

YOU LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING WHAT WE COME UP WITH? OH YOU SHOULD, LADY. I HAVE A TENDENCY TO GET IN A RUT WITH EARTHQUAKES AND THE OCCASIONAL ALIEN ATTACK I MEAN YOU'VE PLAYED SIM CITY WITH DISASTERS ON IT'S JUST LIKE THAT AND TWICE AS MUCH FUN BUT WITH LIKE THE BIGGEST OPTIONS MENU ON THE PLANET. BUT SCROLLING DOWN HERE I SEE "SEVENTEEN POINT LOSS TO OLE MISS" AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I SHUDDER A BIT AND THAT IS TRULY SAYING SOMETHING.

[PAUSES]

[GLOWERS]

[PAUSES]

[MAKES IT A TWENTY POINT LOSS TO OLE MISS]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAA MOTHER NO STOP I'M BUSY JUST OHHHH SO BUSY TODAY. FIRST I HAVE TO DO THIS AND THEN IT'S BACK TO UCLA. IT'S NOT FAIR I KNOW BUT THEY'RE THE BUBBLE WRAP OF FOOTBALL TEAMS BECAUSE THEY JUST MAKE THE BEST NOISE WHEN YOU POP THEIR BUBBLES AND THEN JUST KEEP ON DOING IT EXCEPT THIS NEVER RUNS OUT.
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