OH SO POWERFUL POWER RANKINGS: WEEK SIX

Butch Dill - Getty Images

NO ONE MAN SHOULD HAVE ALL THAT POWER UNLESS HE USES IT FOR THE TIDE, PAWWWWLLLL

WITH OOOOHHHH SO MUCH POWERRRRRR----Power Rankings return, held in place here by the notion that always governs power rankings, i.e. that this only covers current power levels for the week, and not in aggregate. Alabama is one despite being on a bye, because they remain that terrifying merely sitting on their couch.

1. ALABAMA. The Ming Dynasty collapsed under the reign of Emperor Chongzhen, who with the enemy at the gates of the Forbidden City ordered his entire family together for a dinner. The Emperor finished his meal, and then killed every member of his family except for his daughter Chang Ping, who survived despite having her arm cut off by her dad. People in the past were really super tough, and dealt with missing limbs and sword attacks on a daily basis more than you do.

Anyway, Emperor Chongzhen went and hanged himself on a tree to avoid capture. You can still go to the Forbidden City and touch the tree. This is a reminder that when you are at the top, only bad things can happen to you from that point on, and that all striving is futile. Also, if Nick Saban invites the entire staff to dinner after the inevitable loss, DECLINE THE INVITATION. (Kirby Smart has two fake arms. He calls them "loyalty" and "John Brantley's ankle.")

P.S. It's still pretty great being emperor, so let the killings continue until morale improves.

2. WEST VIRGINIA. A down week for West Virginia is 48 points on the road. The Mountaineers offense is now their own distortion field, warping defensive rankings like massive volcanic eruptions dent climate patterns. The bottom three defenses in the Big 12 are two teams WVU has already played, followed by the Mountaineers themselves way down at the bottom. Some day we will tie Nick Saban to a pole and force him to watch a West Virginia practice where they play themselves, and then collect the tears of rage to sell on eBay. (Well, not a pole. A short post or sapling will do.)

3. OREGON. As a commenter rightly corrected us on in the comments in the Alphabetical, Oregon's defense is fine, even burlier than one might expect, and that the real weak link in the Ducks waddling death machine is the offense. Chip Kelly can probably fix an offense with a stuttering problem, because he's Chip Kelly and can turn eight JuCo tight ends and three nearsighted DBs into the nation's fifth best offense with two weeks of practice. He'll need a tub of Adderall to do it, mind you, but Phil Knight will make sure it comes in swoosh-shaped tablets in green and yellow colors. This Adderall will also have an mp3 player in it and shimmer in direct sunlight. Being Oregon is pretty awesome, and stop complaining about your offense, especially around SEC fans.

4. SAKERLINA. The nicest part about watching LSU/UF and then UGA at South Carolina was the contrast. Three quarters after the kick, Florida finally started drawing blood with the brick they kept banging against the side of LSU's adamantine skull, only really completely flattening the Tigers after an excruciating, protracted siege campaign.

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Then you changed the channel, and South Carolina came out with twenty-one points already on the board and blazing. It's nice to win games, period, but winning the way the Gamecocks did is especially fun. You open the door. You explain you are from the Church of Flatter-Day Saints, and then you proceed to make them flatter and closer to Jesus than even Mark Richt ever imagined. Missionaries who read from the book of Clowney, who then appears like a fire-demon from the pages themselves and burns down your house: they will knock down the door to spread the word, and if necessary brand it into your forehead. Click-fuckin'-clack.

5. OHIO STATE. It's nice to be the Usain Bolt of the Big Ten: slow out of the blocks, horrendous form, only one trick in the arsenal, really, and yet still capable of laying the Brax-phallus on the bar to win every bet while sweeping up cash with both hands. Spectral talent at one very crucial position is a delight to behold, and when Braxton Miller actually has other people to involve in the game of American football. Fortunately for you, Ohio State fan, all one needs to beat Nebraska these days is one Braxton Miller over here, and Taylor Martinez over here throwing clean post routes directly to safeties. Taylor Martinez is a college football quarterback! Follow your dreams!

6. FLORIDA. The snapping turtle of SEC teams at the moment: slow to rouse, grumpy, and then capable of latching on to an extremity and waiting for gravity and fatigue to do the work of drowning you as punishment for ever messing with it. If that metaphor doesn't work for you, allow us to offer another.

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Just a silverback who is very pushy about his dinner invites and RSVPs: that's Florida football right now. Like the noble mountain gorilla, we'll probably get clipped somewhere down the line by wily poachers, but you'll bleed and lose a limb in the process. (Also: gorillas are really bad at throwing things, much like our team.)

7. NOTRE DAME. The only team in FBS to have not trailed in a game this season deserves some recognition, even if they found out the fun way that Miami's tackles are just fat linebackers on the pizza-and-squats training plan. (Don't laugh: it worked for Big Ten linemen for years.) Their OH SO MUCH POWER RANKING could rise significantly with a win over Stanford, a team nearly identical in M.O. to the Irish. This should mean a 49-48 shootout in the making, since nothing in college football is easy or predictable save this: Manti Te'o, full of the love of god himself, will remind you that sometimes God wants you to hurt because LOL, God just likes to watch Stepfan Taylor take a helmet in the sternum all day.

8. USC. Robert Woods may have failed his concussion tests, but he passed a test of the heart, something dumbass football fans value because they cut open an earthworm in biology class one time and it was fine, dude. What's Lane Kiffin's power move in every life situation? The double move, since he's NFL-style. (NSFW GIF GOES HERE.) James Bond and Lane Kiffin: dicks gettin' it done, one bikini-interrogation at a time.

9. OKLAHOMA. Scored 41 points in Lubbock while Tommy Tuberville texted Jimmy Sexton about the Kentucky job and quietly mouthed "thank you" to Bob Stoops standing across the field.

LANE RANKINGS

1. Stadium

2. Diane

3. Bryant

4. Pryce

5. Nathan

6. Penny

7. Drury

8. HOV

1938. Lane

PAYNE RANKINGS

1. Major

2. Leviticus

3. Max

CRANE RANKINGS

1. Frasier

2. Niles

3. Spoonbill

4. Whooping

5. Cranky (ain't a bitch, unlike 90% of the Thomas and Friends cast)

6. Harry.

TRAIN RANKINGS

1. Steam

2. Diesel

3rd-1,092,0928th: NOT THE BAND

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