PRE-GAME AGENDA: LES MILES

The National Championship doesn't kick off until 8:30 tonight, but, for Coach Les Miles, the battle began hours before most of us were even awake today. How does one of the game's most skilled minds prepare himself for the final game of the season? Spencer, Luke, and I got our hands on his itinerary to find out.

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3:45 a.m. Wakes. Faces the Mississippi and prays to King Gautreaux, an invisible Mardi Gras ambulance to whom he swore allegiance last night.

4:05 a.m. Feeds baby unicorn. Brings back to bed for snuggles.

5:15 a.m. Kicks cat out of bed.

5:17 a.m. Remembers he has left cat door open.

5:18 a.m. Apologizes profusely as terrified garbageman in tree cowers and begs Mike for his life.

5:45 a.m. Starts drive from Port-au-Prince to New Orleans.

6:15 a.m. Arrives at LSU offices. Wakes up John Chavis by throwing lit flares into his cave.


6:45 a.m. Breakfast of one ostrich egg served between two manhole covers for maximum iron consumption. One glass orange juice taken intravenously.

7:40 a.m. Calls Dave Brandon. Tells him to meet at noon to talk Michigan job. Pretends phone is losing reception when he asks where.

8:10 p.m. Film study. Miles points to screen. "These are CGI gorillas, and this is Rise of the Planet of the Apes."

8:13 p.m. Makes entire staff watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

9:15 a.m. Second breakfast. The team is really confused why they're eating again so quickly, but Miles has just discovered "The Hobbit" and is entranced with their culinary habits. "If it's good enough for these little fellows, it's good enough for big ol' boys like us."

9:20 a.m. Returns rental Medevac chopper. Loses refund when staff insists rotor covered in marshmallow fluff wasn't "like that when he got it."

10:18 a.m.: Told the team needs to start getting ready for the final walk through but can't be pulled away from his second straight episode of Caillou. "I just have to see where this one goes."

11:00 a.m. Gig with Rebirth. Destroys bassoon solo on "Just a Closer Walk With Thee." Stabs tuba player over poker dispute. Sutures wounds, agrees to see him next year.

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12:00 p.m. Hears a church bell ring. Yells off a French Quarter balcony to no one in particular to turn off their cell phone alarm.

12:30 p.m. On a dare, works the word "Mantoplast" into a radio interview with ESPN three times. "Mantoplast" is Miles' nickname for his misshapen but charismatic left toe.

1:40 p.m. Visits Metairie Cemetery. Wins thirty bucks off Louis Prima playing Connect Four.

1:45 p.m. Gives thirty dollars to a homeless man. The down on his luck gentleman thanks him profusely. "Now dance," Miles insists.

2:45 p.m. ABC/ESPN requests a moment of Les' time to get him to show them the proper spelling of 'Studrawa'. Miles requests a sketching notebook and spends almost 30 minutes making careful, deliberate pen strokes. "Um, Coach Miles? So how is it spelled?," an exhausted production assistant finally asks. Miles simply hands him this and walks away:

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3:10 p.m. Team lunch. Throws shoe at Ryan Perrilloux when he's spotted rooting through garbage. Remembers checkbook is in shoe; smiles, shrugs.

3:15 p.m. Zumba with Paul Finebaum.

3:45 p.m. Tours Quarter in disguise dressed as a horse. Flees crowds when he realizes costume is only back half of horse.

4:05 p.m. Takes customary afternoon shift as Croupier at Harrah's.

4:15 p.m. For the 483rd day in a row, denies interview request to terrifying canadian children's entertainer "Malcolm Gladwell."


4:33 p.m. Asks a GA to hook up a laptop to a projector in the locker room. Says, "Now men…" then proceeds to play this on loop for 45 minutes without saying a word:

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4:40 p.m. Visits street fair with wife. She goes 0/5 at ring toss game; Miles finishes with three blocks and forces her to hurry the other two shots.

5:15 p.m. Asks Chavis who LSU is playing next week.

5:20 p.m. Second homeless man asks for spare change. Instead, Miles whispers the secret of the universe into his ear. Homeless man explodes into a thousand unique Christmas ornaments.

6:00 p.m. Announces team captains as Mo Claiborne, T-Bob Hebert, Nyan Cat, and Chief Robert Standing Rat of the Pottchahawtchee Indians. There are no Pottchahawtchee Indians, and the Chief is actually an old fax machine with a headdress glue-gunned to its top.

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7:10 p.m. Skype date with Prokhorov.

7:42 p.m. Parachutes into Superdome with t-shirt cannon full of meatballs.

7:44 p.m. Remembers Superdome is, in fact, a dome.

7:45 p.m. Impacts Superdome roof.

7:56 p.m. Emergency crews taking too long. Decides to settle in and call game from roof. Realizes elective surgery to replace right patella with TaffyKnee was right move.

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