And now, to argue the case for the Crimson Tide's impending national title, we have two guest columnists from the Birmingham News, Blake Thomas-Stallings and John Hammer Mellowthrush, author of "My Father The Wretched Alcoholic, and The Spare Prose That Relates Our Awkward And Tragic Relationship Which I Have In No Way Gutted And Rewritten To Auction My Life's Pain Into Something Like A Beach House In Mustique."
POINT: No matter the outcome of Monday's game, one team already deserves the title
In most years, the BCS Title Game pairs the consensus top two teams in the country to determine, on the field, who's "number one." But this isn't most years. Truth is, Monday night shouldn't sway any reasonable person from reaching the most logical conclusion: Alabama deserves its second championship in three years.
Look, LSU's a fine team - possibly even a good one. No one's arguing they should be stripped of their SEC Championship status (undeserved though it may be). It'd be a mistake, however, to let one game overrule a season's worth of evidence all favoring the Crimson Tide:
- LSU lost seven quarters over the course of the season. Alabama only lost four.
Football is a game of quarters: they matter, and if you don't think so, maybe you should go watch some SOCCER. Quarters are the way we judge, in fair and equal fifteen minute increments, the measure of a team. If LSU manages to win every quarter in New Orleans, maybe I'll change my tune. Until then, I'm going to stick with my new nickname for Coach Nick Saban: "Angry Coinstar."
- The statistics all favor the Crimson Tide.
Rutgers, Utah, Syracuse, Kansas. What do these schools all have in common? They're each ranked higher in extra point success percentage, where LSU is a sickening 63rd. Geaux Tigers? More like Faux Tigers!
Meanwhile, Alabama has succeeded despite ranking 117th in opponent penalty yards per game. Maybe the bigwigs at the NCAA think business is better when different teams win, but this is no way to create parity. Officials are clearly being told not to throw flags that help Bama, and I sincerely hope Congress gets its act together enough to investigate this fraud.
I'll end on this, since statistics are for nerds - LSU had three times as many touchbacks on their kickoffs as Alabama. What are you so afraid of, Tigers? Show some guts and give the return team a shot.
- Schedules just aren't equal in the present system.
My nephew's coach pitch team went undefeated last spring, but nobody said they deserved a spot in the World Series. Would the Tigers even be in this game if they'd had Alabama's schedule? By my count, at least five LSU opponents were clearly looking a week ahead when Les Miles and his goons beat them: Oregon (undoubtedly preparing for Nevada's pistol offense), Kentucky (distracted by a showdown with reigning SEC East winner South Carolina), Tennessee (upcoming rivalry game with Alabama), Ole Miss (played LSU right before the Egg Bowl), and West Virginia (occupied with breaking down Bowling Green film).
Here's all you really need to know: both LSU and Alabama played one Football Championship Subdivision team. The Tide drew Georgia Southern, who finished 11-3 and went deep into the playoffs. The Tigers? Lowly Northwestern State, who couldn't even end the season above .500. If you think that's equal, it's time for the bartender to cut you off.
- Alabama did less with more.
We all know that college football is a world of unequal resources - there are the haves, and there are the have-nots. The State of Louisiana has an average per capita income of $36,424, but Alabama residents only earn $33,768. Make no mistake: this is a game where money matters, and LSU is the New York Yankees.
If you believe in hard workers who scrape by with what they can instead of moneybags who spend their way to success, your champion is clear:
COUNTERPOINT: WHAT IS LSU DOING IN THIS GAME TO BEGIN WITH?
BY JOHN HAMMER MELLOWTHRUSH
There's one real champion playing in this game tonight. The other?
I know. The LSU Tigers did not lose a game this year. Neither did the Mayans. Or Ashton Kutcher. Or Jay-Z.
(Ivy Blue? Pass those drugs, drug user!)
You'd have to be high to consider victory the only criterion for championships. Champions do champion things. Champions wear blue jeans and pet dogs at the end of long lakeside docks at sunset. Champions make children dream. Horrible dreams about cats that wear ties and practice self-surgery, but dreams nonetheless.
The dream team is Alabama.
That dream started in the preseason when Bama was picked second in the AP preseason polls. Doubted from the start, The Tide traveled to Penn State to play Jerry Sandusky. When the Tide won, they also told the world about the evil at Penn State.
Nick Saban saved children. He also saved Penn State because they asked him who to hire, and he said "Bill O'Brien, because Bill Belichick and i have decided he is the best." In 2013 Bill O'Brien will place second behind Alabama for the national title.
Talk about a rising tide floating all boats. Alabama even wins championships for teams they don't even play for.
Then Alabama continued to help the SEC. If Petrino won the game against Bama, you think he's still be here? No, he would be the head coach somewhere else, and the Hawgs would be stuck rehiring Houston Nutt. Getting married to the same person twice is real Arkansas, but not real fun.
Bama helped you keep your coach. Again.
You're welcome, Arkansas.
Bama beat Florida. Offensive Coordinator Charlie Weis left for Kansas after the debacle that started with blowout win by Alabama.
You're welcome, Florida.
James Franklin wanted his kickoff return team to get reps? 34-0 will do that, y'all.
You're welcome, Vandy.
Ole Miss, you got a boil named Houston you want us to lance?
You're welcome by 52-7, Ole Miss. Here's a ROLL of paper towels to clean up the mess.
All heroes and champions do is help others. That's what this Tide team did.
Gus Malzahn dreamed of coaching at Arkansas State, and now that dream is reality. Dan Mullen wanted to see Nashville? Country Music Hall of Fame tickets are on Coach Saban, Dan. Derek Dooley wanted some time to finish his guest bathroom? NO BOWL FOR YOU AND YOU ARE WELCOME DOOL-AIDS.
If Saban comes over, he gets to use the quality pisser, and you best have a step stool for him. Otherwise, he'll just get angry and go off on the place like an angry sprinkler. He pees muriatic acid.
Good if you are a pool tech.
Bad if you are a bathroom.
Saban saved his last present for Auburn. Saban Claus came down the chimney and gave Auburn the meaning they needed for the rest of their lives. Do you know what Auburn fans have to look forward to? Playing Alabama.
A War Eagle is a bored Eagle, y'all. When they win, they don't know what to do, and start doing crazy things. Dressing cows in 19th century formal wear. Blowin' up dogs. Doing insane things like letting Terry Bowden have sex with people. That shouldn't be legal, Auburn! He got naked and now we all have to think about it!
Talk about poisoned bushes!
Instead, we gave them something to look forward to, and for that you can thank Alabama.
The season is about a resume. Alabama's speaks for itself. Who does LSU have? A Pac-12 team? Pass the reefer, please. West Virginia? Playing teams with blacklung and the Jefferson County Dropsy doesn't count. The rest of the SEC West? Weak because they were thinking about playing Alabama or had just played them. Alabama even makes LSU's life easier for them.
You're welcome, LSU.
So the travesty is done. Tonight, even if LSU wins, it will be a fraud. A fraud made by clowns at the BCS. The clowns who want you to believe this is a championship. Two teams will be on the field, all right. But the game has already been played.
The field? The mind of the Crimson Tide.
The loser? Alabama.
The winner? Hold on to your hat, Les.
Win or lose, it's the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about.
The tiger's just a rug for us.