Inspired by the glorious work of Doug here, I felt these needed to be saved, for posterity's sake.
Don't worry if your coach's name is [REDACTED],
You don't want the coaching search to be too protracted
Just find someone new, a strange somebody who
Has never had previous contact with you!
Don’t worry if he plans to coach through the playoffs
At the end of it all, you will see there’s a payoff!
Though of thinking about football you might seem a bit rusty
At least now you can finally forget Sandusky.
You'll go to the Rose Bowl, but get your ass beat.
And the media will say your Zook is on the hot seat.
“But no!” you will say, “The improvement! The gains!”
And then he will start the next season with a home loss to Maine.
-Ancient Chinese Secret
Some days are grellow.
Some are yeen.
For different days and different teams.
You’d be surprised how many ways
We change for Different Colored Games.
On Bright Volt Days how good it feels
to score TD’s and kick our heels!
On other days we’re other things.
On All White Days we flap our wings.
Some days, of course, are Carbon Steel.
And we march quickly down the field.
Then comes a Yellow Day and wheeee,
We win one-hundred-eight to three!
Gray Day…everything is gray.
Our secondary makes eight picks today.
We’ll play so fast it gets surreal!
On our Silver Days that’s how we feel.
Green Days. We kick no PAT’s.
We go for two on each TD!
On Lightning Days they’re sad. They groan.
They can’t keep us out of the end zone.
And when our days are Anthracite
We’ll cram it down your throats all night.
Then come All Black Days. Autzen’s loud.
Your O-line false starts every down.
Then comes a Throwback Day. And WHAM!
Eight hundred yards of offense? Damn!
You might think that all our unis suck,
but you just got throttled by our Ducks.
I searched high and low for the book on Kiffin
But I’m easily distracted so I ended up spliffin’
Now I’m tired, so I guess I’ll just pout
Til I find the story of how Lane lost to Timeout.
A Zook would be great, but why not a Richt,
A coach who will last, a coach who will stick,
He’ll beat lots of teams, some good but most bad,
You don’t play UF and of that, he’ll be glad,
Mamas will love him, and on camera he’s nifty,
You don’t need a Zook who can benchpress 450,
No you don’t need a zook, what you need is a Richt,
A man who will kneel on down 2 and then kick.
A Richt would be great, but why not a Crxxm?
To mark the point of your football team’s doom,
Over Monroe and Lafayette you shall be triumphant,
Against ranked teams, however, a win was not meant
How many other coaches can lose 3 to 2
Giving the fans a case of diarrhea-do
If your trophy case has run out of room
Have no fear of overcrowding when you hire a Crxxm
-The Assman 1
A Crxxm would be great, but why not a Sark?
A coach who will make legions of your fans bark.
He’ll talk of recruiting, and closing the border,
while your state’s recruits scuttle town in short order
He’ll beat some bad teams, you’ll earn a nice rank
And at the end of the season, surely you’ll tank
The offense is great, you’ll think that its heaven
You’ll score 56 (and give up 67)
Your fans are delusional, they’ll say that you’re back
While your biggest rival keep on winning the Pac
A Sark would be great, but why not a Weis?
Fourth and seven? Fuck it, let’s roll the dice!
An offensive genius with ego in piles,
And linemen who look like flabby turnstiles.
Three-hour long pressers, blabbing and bluster,
And defenses as tough an old feather duster.
Yes, you don’t need a Sark, what you need a Weis,
He’d be a steal at a third of the price.
No Weis, you say? Then how 'bout a Davie?
Offense as fearsome as Switzerland’s navy!
He’ll blow snot rockets and play for a loss,
he’ll get you sued and sell out his boss.
Although it’s true, he beat Pete Carroll one time,
He also lost to Oregon State 41-9.
He’ll bitch and complain, Aggieland is his dream,
Just look out for that damned hot dog machine.
-Ancient Chinese Secret
If Davie's not your thing, maybe T-Will
His chip shot is sure to give alumni a thrill
Willingham’s your man, a molder of men
3rd and Fifteen, he’ll get you ten
Not easily rattled, stoic as can be
Tyrone’s the best coach off the tee.
A Davie would be great, but how bout a Willingham?
He’ll convert your offense into a sacrificial lamb
He will get off to a good start, maybe 10 and 0
You’ll give him an extension; thus begins the sorrow
Two years later, you’ll struggle for a single win
To 56-0 losses, you will become akin
-The Assman 1
A Weis just might do, but consider a Nutt!
He’ll preach in a church, or in a Pizza Hut
He’ll preach on the field, or at a press conference
It’s that Baptist stuff though, no worries ’bout incense.
Unfortunately this preacher speaks in tongues
And can go on forever – he’s got some great lungs.
He’ll be so busy preaching you’ll think “this is great!”
But even a preacher shouldn’t lose to Jax State.
There is but one man who'll avert disaster;
Your team must seek out the one true Divemaster!
His gleaming bare scalp may blind through your shades
But the seniors will treasure their champion grades.
His signature play is known as the dive,
Oft snuffed out by children of no more than five.
Though your ranking and rep and mind, they may totter
What youth could resist playing for Sgt. Slaughter?
In Notre Dame lore, there'th loth of great folkth
But none can compare to the great Doctor Holth
Sure, now he’th reduthed to a thidekick for May
But he wath a champion back in the day
Hith offenthe will give NDNation a bone
Ath the blubbering fat-ath thit-th with Reeth all alone
Left in hith tank I’m sure there’th a little
Oh wait, that’th not gath, it’th jutht thpittle.
There'th no cointhidenth there Mither Reverend
Your Lord truly ith with the Irish from Thouth Bend.
If He wathnt with them then why would you thee
Coach Holth pick them each week on TV?
The Irish have been lotht and wandering thinth him
But he will renew them with elderly vim
The Good Lord hath thaid he’d not flood uth again
But when Lou’th giving thpeecheth? All betth are off then.
There's some who might say that your Zook is a weenie;
If that is the case, why not get a Pelini?
Pelini’s the coach that you want to engage
if your program requires a surfeit of RAEG.
He’ll masticate gum till it’s gone without trace,
berate all officials, get up in your face.
A wop like Mangino, but much, much more svelte,
Pelini won’t lose to the MAC or Sun Belt.
If you need a coach like a Weis needs linguini,
stop Zooking around and go get a Pelini!
-Go Big Rev
But if to a Pelini you've beckoned
Be careful, he might just explode any second.
A Pelini can you up to the land of Big Ten,
And get you a few wins in conference – what then?
Your coach will turn the shade of Lil Red
and your players will fear that they’re better off dead.
No, what you truly need is a Hoke!
(Just how far are we going to carry this joke?)
A Hoke? A Hoke? Now surely you joke
You don’t need a coach the size of Jabba the Hutt
What you need, sir, is a new Houston Nutt
Why, recruiting will look like you’ve just gone to heaven
When he steps up to the podium and signs 37
And if your QB’s arm is like soggy cannoli
He’ll go get you a nice, used Masolli
“GIGGETY!” he says, and everyone listens
(No one knows what he means, but when he says it he glistens.)
Jimmy Sexton says an extension he’ll earn
All will seem well; portraitists will set up easels
And then three years later you’ll learn
that he’s crazier than a sack of rabid weasels
A Nutt may be nice, but a Groh you must see
to find what your program truly can be.
Old NFLAIDS you’ll find quite endearing
“Gang Green”? No, gangrene is that feeling of searing
While others play checkers, he’ll claim to play chess
But pissing off high school coaches he’ll do best
Your governor your board of visitors’ protests will end
So your conference your rival will soon join and win
Need an OC? He’ll hire up his boy
You’ll fire him, yet still pay as he brings Saban joy
And when it’s all over, you truly will know
Alumnus or not, a Groh’s still a Groh.
Pelini, you say? Why not a Tyrone?
He’s got charisma like styrofoam!
He doesn’t recruit, he just golfs, four to a group,
and his quarterbacks always look like they’re taking a poop.
Consistency is important, and he’s second to none.
He always loses to USC by 31.
Yes, you need a Tyrone while your program wanders,
and then he calls you racist in front of Jon Saunders.
-Ancient Chinese Secret
Tyrone is good, but you should be learnin',
that nothing’s as good a good ole Mike Sherman
NFLAIDS, its in his pedrigee
he’ll punt everytime from their 33
He can coach with the best in any first half
Third quarter adjustments? Dont make him laugh!
He coached Brett Farve, that’s all you need know,
Enjoy as your team goes from ‘suck’ to ‘blow’!
Might I interest you in one Tim Brewster
Known to recruit well, but out coached by a rooster
Lives by the code, “Win, Fight, Try”
Claim to fame: Made Erik T cry
Will lose to Iowa by a double fives
His receivers treat the ball like an active beehive
Other coaches will mock him with well timed digs
But his replacements will win multiple bronze pigs
Who needs a Brewster when you can have Tubs?
Boringest of all the boring old shlubs.
Couple with three years of Brandon Cox
And you’ve got a veritable Fox in Socks!
They call him The Gambler, but don’t be a fool
His punting to win will lead you to drool
He can make Tony Franklin’s “NASCAR” look slow
But hey, he did manage six in a row.
These other coaches? No. No. and No.
The correct answer is a supersized Mangino.
With a girth that requires a custom made truck.
Informing his players that their father’s a drunk.
Giving young men guidance; not a little, but a lot.
By reminding them if they don’t practice, in the ghetto they’ll be shot.
So go out and get a Mangino today.
Oh, the places you will go & the things he will say!
Pelinis may howl and yowl and roar
But Sabans will do that, and oh, so much more
Hell spank and recruit midst the yelling and roaring
And bore you to tears with his offense so boring
But your team will win games with his no mercy plan
Though you’ll feel kinda guilty for being a fan
But sorry, the Saban won’t leave where he’s at
(Unless you can offer more money than that)
Saban? No thank you, I've got a Kelly.
He turns five different shades every week on the telly.
The quarterbacks rotate, back and forth, in and out,
for your star receiver, he has only one route.
Sometimes you play well, other times like pushovers,
but there’s always a metric shit-ton of turnovers.
Things are improving, well, maybe, I think.
In the meantime, someone please pour me drink.
-Ancient Chinese Secret
You're missing the point, a Chizik's the key
Make him an offer, entrenched he will be.
Mint coins and change logos, he’ll splash on the scene
Then lose to Kent State, going 5 and 19
His chin is so chiseled, his grin you will know
But don’t ask him to coach in a place that has snow
“God says ESS EEE SEE” is the tale he will tailor
When he learns that his new team can’t even beat Baylor
You pick out a Chizik, the fans will go on
(But everyone knows the real power’s Malzahn.)
Your Kelly and Cincy's Jones left us with Enos
A genius’ glasses with the head of a…um…dog?
Mt. Pleasant’s a cradle of coaches no more
With spread gurus gone, NFLAIDS bores
With Radcliffe the Marginal under the center
He left us a bitter 3-9 for the winter
A few weeks ago, chipbird and I shed a tear
“YOU TELL US HE’S STILL COMING BACK NEXT YEAR?”
(But we won’t let his incompetence come between us
We can all still laugh ’cause his name rhymes with penis.)
Cheer up, my friend, the outlook is sunny.
At least you don’t have Frank Spaziani.
Yes, he’s loyal, almost to a fault,
but his offense is like pudding assault.
He’s a nice enough fellow, and his mustache is grand,
but Tom O’Brien thinks his team’s a bit bland.
You might think it’s bad, that your coach has no plan,
but, hey, at least you’re not the Boston College fan.
-Ancient Chinese Secret
His ACC brethren may be down on their luck
But Paul Johnson simply cannot give a fuck
Instead he’ll just call the option again
And again and again and again for the win
While pundits and commenters it may not please
Paul Johnson continues to release ALL THE BEES
And so it rolls on every day after day
Until the bowl season or U[sic]GA.
A Johnson is good, but to Shapiro he pales
as long as Shapiro is released on bail.
Abortions and hookers, tons of cocaine,
And the 6-6 Miami Hurricanes.
He’ll bring in recruits and ply them with booze,
and then they’ll go out and lose to the Hoos.
Yes, with a Shapiro you can do quite a lot,
for example, crashing a jetski into a yacht.
-Ancient Chinese Secret
Psh, those boats and hoes are all fun and games
Next to the five exploits of one Mister James
We know that Dallas sure has some lookers
But now thanks to him it’s less some five hookers
But by enough he was paid by the Ponies to rush
That now he can cough up to keep it hush-hush
And to rescue his son from the Dread Pirate Leach
Surely, the Senative is now in his reach.
Come come! Lets' run! lets' run to the beach
A ship is docking and I see Capt Leach
Now here is a coach to guide your blue team
Down the field with passes the offense will scream
He’ll fire a cannon into the broadside
Of conservative fans both far and wide
He reads you the weather, he writes you a poem
He shows up at times in alumni homes
He shows off genius with his football sense
But he may make you forget that thing called “defense”
So kiss goodbye to “Linebacker U”
And say hello to the new “Maction U”
Say what you will about ole Jimmy Tressel
At least his players weren’t on Nevin’s vessel.
They played golf, had fake jobs, and got ink
But it took the FBI to raise up the stink.
Once from Youngstown, where corruption reigns,
He rode Dave and the punt to a position of fame.
Alas, Now Jim’s stuck on the side in Indianapolis
eating ranch on a scooter with the general populace.
But really, any futher this talk need not go
For there are those among us who most surely know
There are much greater agonies facing supporters
Of teams try’n to replace coaches not good with reporters
Ironic that someone would mention Ol’ Indy
Where o’er on the sidelines it might get quite windy
From the waving of a towel infused with great powers
Brought on a long journey from the land of sunflowers
So remember when you complain, some of us wince
’Cause for all of your problems, you never hired Ron Prince.
But how 'bout a GERG, if you're thinking defensive?
He’ll be just like Saban, but a fourth as expensive.
He’ll line up two safeties across Lake Superior,
And bury a ‘backer in a DT’s posterior.
He’ll keep the stuffed animal makers alive,
And hold Illinois to a mere sixty-five.
His Super Bowl ring mesmerizes like Weis’s.
He’s the man that you need to escape from this crisis.
Thank you all for making this Friday one where I could not stop laughing!