THE CURIOUS INDEX, 1/4/2012

WHO SAYS HEMINGWAY IS TERSE AND UNEMOTIONAL?

It was a complete mess in so many ways, and in so many different ways than the other BCS games thus far. the numbers were appalling in their own unique way: Michigan had 184 yards of total offense, got doubled up by VT in terms of total production, had 12 first downs to Virginia Tech's 22, and still ended up covered in maize and blue confetti watching Junior Hemingway losing his shit gloriously when Chris Fowler asked him about the long path to getting here. This is not a very good Michigan team, but they are a very good Michigan team.

That should make sense if you've watched this team dodge bullets and narrowly avoid putting the car in the ditch on so many occasions this year, or come back against Notre Dame, or hold on despite doing almost everything they could to lose a late lead to Ohio State, or in this game scratch, claw, and somehow hold a more productive Hokies team in check until the final and inevitable kicking mistakes. This team was more fun than any other team Brady Hoke will ever have because they were not supposed to have eleven wins, and could not conceivably have piled them up like this. This team is the pound dog that saved your family from the fire. They are the college car that would not die no matter what you put in its gas tank. They are the party that came out of nowhere on a Tuesday night, and resulted in no hangovers.

Easily one of our favorite teams of 2011, and not just because we like calling Brady Hoke "Ol' Pizzafarts."

LE FOLLIES AU PIED. If the Fiesta and Rose were known for optional defense, the Sugar should be noted for special teams insanity, including the weirdest attempted late rugby punt/fake ever. When people begin behaving like poorly programmed EA sims, you have entered a special and entertaining level of football hell.

Still, it wasn't all sadness of the foot.

The most clutch kick came from Michigan's Brendan Gibbons, who made his 37-yarder in overtime. And what did Gibbons think about during the timeout the Hokies called to ice him? "Brunette girls," Gibbons said. "Every time we were struggling in kicking, coach tells me to think about girls on a beach or brunette girls. So that's what we did. Made the kick."


This entire paragraph needs to be a plaque outside of Michigan Stadium, while this moment from Holly Rowe needs to be a frieze mounted above the entrance of the Superdome. Don't fuck with Holly Rowe. Don't ever, every fuck with her live shots, because she will gut you, child. (And this? Yes, this. This game was far better than its box score could ever indicate.)

THE BEST DRUNKEN DEFEAT POST WE'VE EVER SEEN. The Key Play, live from NOLA, and crying heroically in his hotel room. There is a way to take a loss, and this is it.


OUR NEW SUREFIRE PENN STATE HEAD COACH OF THE DAY. After the Bill O'Brien and Mike Munchak puke-shivers, the calm, slightly underwhelming rumor of Greg Schiano as the next surefire Penn State coach should come as a breath of fresh air after the dry heaves of the last month. Before this gets too underwhelming, we remind you: Greg Schiano has won bowl games at Rutgers, a statement that was a whole lot more astonishing before we all got comfortable with Rutgers winning football games with regularity.

ANOTHER COACHING NOTE. Boise State offensive coordinator Brent Pease is not just on Florida's radar, but also on Alabama's, as well, since smart coaches who like to run the ball and win and stuff are in short supply everywhere, but most especially in the SEC. Normally we would say "Oh, what a hot commodity," but if Nick Saban and Will Muschamp are both interested in you as an offensive coordinator, we have to be suspicious in principle of your fondness for scoring touchdowns. (He's quite good. This is merely a theoretical note, and a reminder that everyone in the SEC hates offense forever in 2012.)

ETC. This is not an Onion article. (We think.)

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