MARIO CRISTOBAL: AN EDSBS FACT SHEET WITH A DRAMATIC INTERRUPTION

As you can see, we were writing a profile of Rutgers' new coach Mario Cristobal, and then something happened.

Name: Mario Eduardo de Jesus De La Tierra Fuego Mateo Jimenez El Salvador Trade Deficito Y Antinarcotrafficante Guillermo Cristobal.

This panther:

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This 10 feet tall cartoon panther came to life and made an attempt on Coach Cristobal's life just after midnight one late Summer practice. A cartoon has never come to life since.

Born in: Miami, Florida.

Age: 41 years old

School: University of Miami [makes "U" sign in all directions]

College Career. An excellent lineman during his time at the U, Cristobal was tutored by the U's legendary line coach Art Kehoe in the fine arts of holding without holding, subtle leg whips, and making love without being in love. ("Honey, I love this, but not you.") Could sue Duane Johnson for copyright infringement for basing "The Rock" on Cristobal's entire demeanor and persona, but Cristobal considers his life to be the superior work. Those that do not recognize that instantly are beneath consideration.

His tie is: Currently on your mother's floor. She has needs, you know.

Professional Career: Denver Broncos camp, Amsterdam Admirals of NFL Europe.

Coaching Career: Miami Hurricanes grad assistant 1998--2000, and then again from 2004-2006 as tight ends and offensive line coach. 2000-2006, Rutgers TE and OL coach. FIU head coach

So he's going to Rutgers again? Well, that's what Wikipedia said.

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Rob Lowe never lies!

Summary: HAHAHHAHA DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE HE'S NOT COMING TO RUTGERS.

[RECORD SCRATCH]

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It's really hard not to be watching Downton Abbey and watch this unfold without thinking: "Rutgers! The wagging tongues of London have spoken your name! Get a husband, and get one now, love be damned!"

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