CRATE. CRAAAAAATE. YOU GET IN THAT CRATE RIGHT NOW, MIZZOU.
It's hard to determine exactly where this goes wrong: three seconds in, or seven, or perhaps immediately. We do know when it completely loses all hope, points the nose toward the ground, and then hits full throttle on all engines to make the impact with the ground conclusive and final. That would be the moment the chorus comes in, autotuned to a pulp and sung by a bleaty tenor, and very consciously pronounces "Bustin'" as "Bussin'." That's when this dies: the rest is simply the hair and fingernails growing on a corpse SEC fans will happily drag out to mock their new rivals time and time again this fall.
P.S. We don't care about basketball. You should learn this. Only Kentucky and Vanderbilt care about basketball, and the rest of the conference regards them as downright weird for this. (Via Leila Rahimi.)
WELCOME YOUR PREMIER LEAGUE SETUP. If the NCAA is talking about splitting up D-1 football, we're headed into strange territory indeed, but if it does fulfill our ultimate dream of having a system of relegation then we're totally okay with this. Oh, and athletes might get a bit more in the dollars department, which is good, but is also a move to keep someone from busting in and calling the whole thing a scam, which our beloved sport totally is.
BUT THAT'S HISTORY PAWWWLLLLL. Bill looks at the tantalizing alternate history of Alabama and Florida football if Tim Tebow had committed to Alabama, where he would have been squeezed into a pro-style mode, and boy wouldn't THAT have worked well for all concerned! Across the state, let's remember that Gene Chizik is very good at getting prime goods at the recruiting yard sale, and then tends to forget where he put them.
QUICK CHEAT SHEET: A reminder that among the top 25 recruits this week in college football and their likely destinations, there is a 270 lb quarterback on the way. A JOYOUS FAT BABY FOR US ALL. Also, please review CuppyCup's rules for tweeting recruits, because they are very inaccurate and entertaining.
CRISTOBONER, ENGAGED. The easy leader in "America's Most Fetching Young Coaches," Haggar slacks model and FIU coach Mario Cristobal did interview for the Rutgers head coaching job this weekend. Cristobal turned around an FIU program that was for all purposes a community college program after sanctions, and would be very much like hiring in the Schiano mode all over again, but with South Florida connections AND the added ability to you know, DO stuff on gameday besides stand and clap.
Divemaster Steve Addazio is not expected to go any further in the job search, so it sounds very much like Cristobal is the clear frontrunner. Le Sun Belt will be a poorer, less handsome place without him.
MEANWHILE, JUST UP THE ROAD, CARL PELINI IS ASKING A WAITRESS WHAT HER MAJOR AT AN ACTUAL COMMUNITY COLLEGE IS. He's also dumping local recruits. You may blame him for this, but he will be running a significantly different system than Howard Schnellenberger. Also, Schnelly may have just recruited guys for having a spiffy haircut and saying "sir," so let's give some small benefit of the doubt here in addition to noting Carl Pelini is already pissing people off at FAU.
IN IMPORTANT SCHNELLY NEWS. Passion: it has an image.
FURTHER HANDSOME COACHING NEWS. Shakin' the Southland breaks down the "Starship Troopers-handsome" Brent Venables by the numbers.
FINE, HE DON'T CARE. You go right ahead and flip on down to Miami, recruit. Play for Georgia Tech or don't. Paul Johnson doesn't care. You need him, well, he'll be out back drinking kerosene to burn out his tonsils. It's gonna hurt, you say? You're deeply unfamiliar with how much Paul Johnson cares about pain, his tonsils, or what you think, son.
ETC: Interesting quotes (via @smartfootball) about high school coaching. Get the slant and go on tape! Bullshit, whatever, pops Ritalin. It's that big, and it's the sorrow of my life. A tribute simulation of the greatest moment in the SEC ever. WHOA ROBERT LOGGIA OUT OF NOWHERE.