THE CURIOUS INDEX, 1/2/2012

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YOU PLAY FOR KICKS, YOU GET KICKED. Shouts out to all the college coaches like Mark Richt and David Shaw who decided to take their Ferraris 499 miles in a race, and then run the last mile in tubercular '88 Ford Escorts with faulty gearshifts. Those Escorts are the humble college kicker, often sub-70% from 40 and beyond, and prone to exploding wherever they happen to explode. Jordan Williamson blew up twice last night on the field at the Fiesta Bowl as Andrew Luck--27 for 31 on the night Andrew Luck, whose arm will be sanctified as a holy relic by the blessing of millions of NFL dollars in a matter of months--sat on the sideline and watched Stanford go from savvy senior to College Freshman Meme illustrated.

Ditto for Blair Walsh, who played a key role in the Big Ten's only victory on another brutal New Year's-ish turn. Mark Richt settled for 42 and 47 yarders, and even had Aaron Murray kneel on second down rather than attempt even the second most cowardly of plays to advance the ball a yard further for his kicker. At big parties, Mark Richt pees when he sits, and then realizes he has lowered his trousers into moisture of an unknown and surely fearsome origin. He deserves every bit of soggy pant'd misery for this cowardice, and so does David Shaw for sending out a five dollar kicker to do what a million dollar quarterback should be doing.

THE MOST ELOQUENT REACTION TO A GAME THAT ENDED WELL AFTER MIDNIGHT. What it lacks in technical detail it makes up for in poetry, really. We hope Justin Blackmon has no idea who this woman is, and that he keeps his able but infected thigh covered during contact with her at all times. Andy Staples was there, and got to loll in all the Cowboy-ish victory himself. So was Lord Fitzgerald.

THE TAINT-HEADBUTT FRONTIER HAS FINALLY BEEN CROSSED. Oregon did nothing surprising on offense because a.) you knew De'Anthony Thomas was going to warp space and time at least once in the game, and b.) Wisconsin has been flexible on defense, and not in the good way. What was stunning was Oregon cracking down and preventing Wisconsin from doing anything on its last four possessions, but then again, perhaps we should not have been shocked by this after Wisconsin defenders looked over and said, "Those are men capable of headbutting you in the Great Divide. For your prostate's sake, avoid them at all costs."

Also, this woman won the game.

WHATEVER, KAISER-LOVER/FRITZ. Florida did manage to beat Ohio State, largely on the strength of Jaye Howard and the rest of the D-line knowing Jim Bollman's snap counts. Knowing Jim Bollman, they were probably something like "1, 2, 3!" but we'll take it. By the way, know this about Florida: not only are we building a program, we are also redefining race relations in America. Are we still going to flog the Urban Meyer storyline? Oh, sure, why not. That dead horse has a few more strokes of the ol' flog-strap in her yet.

THE BLOCKED KICK FOR TWO IS NEVER A GOOD OMEN. Corn Nation is totally right, and South Carolina has eleven wins, and Steve Spurrier HAS ELEVEN WINS AT SOUTH CAROLINA WHY AREN'T WE TALKING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT SCARES US FRANKLY.

THAT HAPPENED. Let's just not ever talk about 2011 ever again, Penn State. Ever.

IT IS THIS TIME. Recruiting is just going to be so much fun this year, guys.

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