THE CURIOUS INDEX, 1/26/2012

HELLO GOD, I'M IN JAIL.

Mark Richt went to jail for a recruit, and it's not what it sounds like, but let's just assume that like any man, Mark Richt has flaws and the undying desire to get into a bar fight. Once in this bar fight, Mark Richt would then execute the dream maneuver of flinging a man down the full length of the bar and into the jukebox, which will then play Nazareth's "Hair of the Dog." (He was really just coming along on a bail bondsman's errand with the recruit's family, but shut up and let us imagine Richt brawling Old West-style. It's the offseason. We need this.)

ALABAMA JUST CONTINUES TO BE A STATE FULL OF AWESOME DECISIONS. We know picking on one Southern state for being stupider than another is like picking on one Midwestern state for being more dead inside than another, but really, it's just been a banner month for the state of Alabama. To assist you in differentiating them, we offer this handy shorthand guide.

  • Arkansas: "I'll shoot you with this gun made of a black bear" stupid
  • Louisiana: "I'll father a child with the bear, and then eat him in a sauce piquante."
  • Mississippi: "What's a bear?" "Your mascot." "REALLY?"
  • Tennessee: "I don't trust the bear because he's black AND doesn't go to church."
  • Alabama: "I have filed thirty lawsuits written in crayon against the bear for no reason whatsoever."
  • Georgia: "I ain't gone nowhere near Atlanta 'less there's a Braves game. Atlanta is full a bears."
  • Kentucky: "That bear better not say shit about Calipari, or I'll slit his damn throat."
  • Florida: "We feed the bears because they are cute, and then they eat us, and we are surprised because we are very dumb."
  • South Carolina: "Bears? I'm sorry, I don't believe in dinosaurs." <---said in lovely accent
  • North Carolina: "The bear, along with the rest of us, is looking forward to basketball season."
  • Virginia: "I"m actually a Mid-Atlantic Bear, thank you very much."

We hope that clears up nothing for you.

TEXAS TECH IS CLEARLY GOING TO PAY SOME MONEY TO MIKE LEACH. On one side of the legal aisle in the Leach/Texas Tech/ESPN/Craig James case is the guy who got Mike Price $20 mil for the SI Story that turned out to be largely fictional, and on the other side is someone who writes "brain concussion." This is going to be awesome, y'all.

YET ANOTHER REGRETTABLE AND AVOIDABLE CASE OF NFLAIDS. You might be tempted to hire someone simply based on his name being "Clancy Pendergast," and this is why you will never be placed in charge of anything important or serious, because like many other unfortunate souls he suffers from a full-blown case of NFL-related football suppression syndrome.

HE MADE HIS DREAMS COME TRUE. Brady Hoke is the Dreamtamer.

ETC. No fawkin' way that happens if Mahky Mahk is on that plane. We retweeted this at Chris Brown this morning, and we'd like to thank Twitter for making it that much easier to make fun of assholes who punch ladies. Your government orders you NOT to have sex with Penelope Cruz.

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