Tired of sitting in traffic driving from one high school to another?
Sick of virgins on the internet tracking your every move when you use traditional charter air services?
Concede that train travel in the U.S. is nothing more than mechanized hobo migration?
Come fly with me, Lieutenant Raymond "Vertigo" Jones - the nation's first and only RECRUITING PILOT FOR HIRE!
Anyone can rent some stupid civilian helicopter to meet with a prize wide receiver. Why not go with the man who fired human cannonball Butch Davis into a recruit's dining room with LIMITED STRUCTURAL DAMAGE! Show these young men you're an innovator - and a class act - by using one of our VERTIGO PACKAGES on your next trip:
- LETTEROFINTENTADOR 3-MX. This unmanned aircraft is the most sophisticated piece of machinery on the market today. Controlled by Captain Vertigo Jones from the comfort of his neighbor's computer room, the 3-MX flies at an altitude of 25,000 feet and showers your recruit's hometown with leaflets strongly suggesting that Brady Hoke kidnapped and murdered musical superstar Selena.
- EXPREDATOR-25cc. An ultralight designed for those programs wishing to make a dramatic entrance on a budget. Mike Locksley once flew one of these into George Washington's chin on Mt. Rushmore just to impress a recruit! He died, and and was never heard from again.*
*Or is coaching for Randy Edsall. Same thing.
- BALLOONS FILLED WITH DOLLAR BILLS COVERED IN DAN MULLEN'S FINGERPRINTS. Maybe you won't get that four star linebacker, but Mississippi State sure as hell won't, either.
- ZEPPELIN. Looking for the vintage touch? Just want to make a Weis-sized splash? Consider Jones Aviation's Graf Pee 8-28, the world's last existing Nazi German dirigible. Retrofitted with modern touches like ashtrays and a side mounted Jumbotron, you can make that unique impression on recruits while still broadcasting their name on a glorious 45-foot tall screen. I saw the lights of the Goering blimp, and it read Dorial Beckham-Green ist ein pimp? All too possible, potential client.
(Comes with 93 year old pilot Hans Josef. Only utters anti-Semitic slurs in heavily accented German. Is of no consequence to potential recruits.)
BONUS! Order before February 1 and Major Jones will throw Al Golden over the side and yell "NO TICKET."
- A LONG SEQUENCE OF TRAMPOLINES. Cost effective, fun, and shows your recruit that you're willing to keep the "Fun" in "Fundamentals of Football Recruiting."
Remember: the only unsafe trampoline is a solitary trampoline. - Colonel Vertigo Jones
- CAMERA DRONES. A favorite of Nick Saban. Some recruits say they can't sleep without the whirring noise and comforting hum of its engines outside their windows, nor experience sexual pleasure without knowing a grad assistant on amphetamines is watching their every frolic.
- TROOPER TAYLOR'S TOWEL-O-COPTER. Crash test ratings indicate "unsafe for transport of any distance at any speed," but Rivals' rankings can't stop raving about its effectiveness.
- HOT AIR BALLOON. No exact landings guaranteed. Basket mounted t-shirt gun allows for effective messaging, though.
- NEW!!! CLOUD SURF OPTION!
Guaranteed to be the one thing other coaches can't match! Impress every 18 year old within four hundred miles with your flagrant disregard for safety and law. (Please note this package is not available to Carl Pelini after his "Sex From Above" fiasco.)
BRIGADIER GENERAL RAYMOND "VERTIGO" JONES RECRUITING PILOT SERVICES NOTE TO CUSTOMERS: Our Ape-stronaut program has been suspended, as we cannot locate and kill Cricket, the rogue chimp who continues to hunt Tate Forcier on behalf of Oregon. Consequently, we cannot honor any Ape-stronaut coupons.