AN EDSBS POLICY STATEMENT ON THE ALABAMA TEABAGGING INCIDENT

The following is an official EDSBS announcement on the unfortunate matter of the Alabama Teabagger.

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TO: THE UNIVERSE IN GENERAL

FROM: EDSBS.COM

RE: THE ALABAMA TEABAGGING INCIDENT, I.E. THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE BAG IN THE NIGHT-TIME, AKA CASE OF ONE ALABAMA FAN WHO, IN A STATE OF GREAT INTOXICATION AND ELATION FOLLOWING THE NATIONAL TITLE GAME DID APPLY TO THE FACE OF ONE PASSED OUT LSU FAN'S FACE HIS VERY SCROTUM, AND THEREFORE IMPLICITLY HIS TESTES WITHIN, IN FULL VIEW OF NUMEROUS WITNESSES AND ONE PERSON WITH A CAMERA AND PERHAPS SEVERAL PASSIVE MEMBERS OF THE NEW ORLEANS POLICE DEPARTMENT, THEREFORE STARTING A CATACLYSM OF INTERNET CONTROVERSY OVER THE EXACT NUMBER OF STANDARD DEVIATIONS BETWEEN "SANE, NORMAL, DECENT PEOPLE" AND "ALABAMA FANS WHO TURNED THEIR MOST GLORIOUS AND RECENT FOOTBALL TRIUMPH INTO AN EXCUSE TO TURN THE BOURBON STREET KRYSTAL INTO THEIR OWN PERSONAL BEAR BRYANT-THEMED ABU GHRAIB TRIBUTE," AND PERHAPS ON THE GENERAL TENOR OF SPORT IN GENERAL, I.E. HAVE WE TAKEN THIS TOO FAR AS A SOCIETY, AND WAS NEIL YOUNG RIGHT WHEN HE SUGGESTED THAT ALABAMA DID INDEED HAVE THE REST OF THE UNION TO HELP THEM ALONG, OR IS THIS ALL GLEANING TOO MUCH FROM THIS INCIDENT AS REPRESENTATIVE OF ANYTHING BUT THE DERANGEMENT OF ONE SAD FORMER SPORTING GOODS STORE MANAGER WHO NOW AS A RESULT OF THIS INCIDENT IS AN UNEMPLOYED FATHER LOOKING FOR A JOB IN A RECESSION ECONOMY, AND PERHAPS THIS HAS NO CONNECTION TO HARVEY UPDYKE, BUT GOOD LUCK TRYING TO STOP PEOPLE FROM MAKING A TREND OF TWO OUT OF INSANE ALABAMA FANS, BUT REALLY IS IT ALL THAT FAR OFF THE KIND OF TROGLODYTE MANIA YOU EXPECT FROM THE STATE AND ITS POPULATION, A POPULACE OFTEN UNFAIRLY DESCRIBED AS UNNATURALLY STRONG CROWBAR-WIELDING SIMPLETONS LASHING OUT AT ANYTHING THAT DOES NOT REPRESENT THE MOST CUTTING-EDGE THINKING OF THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY, AND WE KNOW THAT'S NOT THE CASE FOR ALABAMA BUT GOOD CHUNKS OF THE SOUTH AS A WHOLE, BUT REALLY PLEASE JUST KEEP UP WITH THE TRAIN OF THOUGHT HERE, OKAY?

CC: Clay Travis, The Governor of Alabama, and Mike the Tiger.

STATEMENT:

Get your fucking shit together, and don't be an asshole no matter who you are or where you're from or what your team did or did not win.

Stop it.

Now.

Assholes.


Love,


EDSBS.

P.S. Here's a picture of Lane Kiffin as Lord Humungus to wash all of this out of your brain.

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