STEVE SPURRIER SAYS TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF, SON

[CLEARS THROAT, TURNS HEAD TO THE SIDE]

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Sit up straight. Ain't having anyone at the University of South Carolina without proper posture. Gotta stand up for yourself even when you're sittin' down. I stand up to do my business, too. Works better that way, long as you get a good deep squat at the same time. A real champion gets one in there without a splash. Silent as an Olympic diver from the high platform when you do it right.

Take your shirt off. We don't want any sloppy fatties coming in here and slopfattin' the place up with their fatslopness. Naw, don't fight it. You're gonna have to be honest with us here. Trust is an important part of a coaching staff. I told Bob Stoops when I interviewed him for the job back in '96, "If you want this job, you'll get this kidney on ice to Muriel Landry in Atlanta in under six hours." Damned if he didn't do it, too, even though the kidney was really a pig's kidney, and Muriel is a Rottweiler who belongs to my close personal friend Pepper Rogers. At least I hope it was a pig's kidney. I don't dwell too much on the past.

Now, let's see what we got here. Not bad. You're reasonably trim. Sure, your chest is a little droopy. Appears you've got some bear baiters goin on the sides there. Some people call 'em love handles. We called 'em that in East Tennessee growing up. When I played for the 49ers I used that term and everyone laughed. Never figured that out.

No smokers, either. I trust you, but I gotta verify. Open your mouth, now. Gotta check the teeth. WOW. It's damned immaculate in there. Nicest teeth I seen since Jon Hoke's. Never even looked at his resume, by the way. Last time I hire a man based on solid biscuspids and flawless molars.

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