FULMER CUP: IMPORTANT THERAFLU CRIME UPDATES FROM WEST VIRGINIA

We walked out of a convenience store once, arms full of various aid items, without realizing that we'd haphazardly stashed a Banana Laffy Taffy in our front pocket. Banana Laffy Taffy, in case you are somehow mistaken and do not recognize its greatness, is the gold standard of gas station candy kept in a tub right by the register. It's made of little more than congealed spun sugar and a ludicrously fake banana extract probably distilled from old tires in a Taiwanese factory that is the real cause of cancer, but its addictive properties can't be overstated.

There's also the added joy of the jokes inside each pack of Laffy Taffy, jokes that have not been updated or edited since they were introduced in the 1970s.

Q: What's holding a key and having sex with my mother at a party?

A: Your father. They are both crying!

--Tommy, Kansas City

Q: What's the similarity between your father and a gas pump?

A: They both get gas from sheikhs/shakes!

--Robert, Boise

ps your father is a metaphor for our country's dependence on OPEC oil and is lactose intolerant here

Q: When did Joe Namath lose a football game?

When he played sober! This is not a joke.

--John, Tampa

We do not like to admit it, but the stolen Laffy Taffy was tastier than any we have ever had, even at a mere twenty-five cents or so of accidental theft value.

So we mourn for Steadman Bailey, the WVU wide receiver who never had the delicious taste of stolen Theraflu since he was caught by police on the way out of the Morgantown Kroger. (Which isn't shit compared to the Beckley Kroger. BECKLEY KROGER 4EVA, BITCHEZ.) It probably would have tasted like the distilled tears of angels while it relieved his flu symptoms, but he gave it back after he fully cooperated with security.

A tiny citation which could have been for something accidental is one point for West Virginia in the Fulmer Cup. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's discuss the EDSBS staff's five best-drinking medications.

1. CLASSIC NYQUIL. The Sazerac of over-the-counter medications. "Liquoricey, like absinthe," says Luke. Rich, complex flavors made for sipping, not shooting, so enjoy with leisure. Unlike most syrups, is aromatic, and has a luscious color.

2. DAYQUIL. The --Quil family brings the thunder tastewise, but of their other selections Orange Dayquil stands out for its non-cloying citrus notes and drinkable mouthfeel.

3. DIMETAPP. Daringly artificial, as its grape flavor can best be described as tasting more like its color, not its actual fruit referent. Still, a distinctive taste with a hint of metal to its finish that somehow works.

4. PEPTO-BISMOL. Comfort food of the medicine cabinet cocktailing world. Chalky aftertaste isn't for every palate, but is considered a plus by its aficionados.

5. TRIAMINIC. The Galliano of cough syrups. Consume in small bunches due to intensity.

SPECIAL MENTION: NOVOMOXIN. From Luke: "When you've got an infection that can only be treated by antibiotics, swallowing pills is a cumbersome, ineffective way to go about your business. Novamoxin, 500 mgs of bold banana flavor will make your taste buds feel like you've been transported to a tropical island. Destination" Paradise, Your Stomach."

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