THE TIME FOR SILENCE HAS ENDED: THE LSU COLLAPSE EXPLAINED

Kevin C. Cox

Begin with the plausible: Alabama's top-flight defense, playing the best game of its existence, simply shut down LSU's offense. That could very well be the case, and that LSU felt so overwhelmed by the Crimson Tide's hyper-prepared defense that nothing made sense, and in a blind panic they reverted to five plays and a punt as their entire playbook.

This would make sense, and that is why we must reject it. That's a boring, realistic explanation. The idea that there was some kind of coachfight between Miles and offensive coordinator Greg Studrawa is much more fascinating, or better still that the locker room split down racial lines in support for Jordan Jefferson or Jarrett Lee. By the way, if this was the case, this would be the most pitiful racial divide ever as judged by quality of sporting representative, because "LOL Jarrett Lee and Jordan Jefferson as rallying points."

There are a thousand theories at this point about what precisely happened before the BCS title game. As always, every media outlet has their own unique take on the mystery, so in the interests of fairness and accuracy it is best to present them all at once, and let you, the reader, choose the truth from the multiple perspectives of this college football Rashomon.

Q: LSU's offense had sputtered at times this year, but never did it struggle THAT badly? What happened?

A: (top answer) If you drink rum while your having sex you cant get pregant because babies only like white wine
- Yahoo! Answers'

"Les Miles spectacular collapse in the title game = Nike's Katrina. Pro Combat Unis would have helped." —Darren Rovell.

"Fuck Gunner Kiel, dude. If you ask me, he's who to blame here." - TigerDroppings.com

"My friend Trevor told me this team was really something, but I must have come on an off night - the passing was cold, the run game showed up at LEAST thirty minutes later than it should've, and we didn't find out until well after we'd been seated that the kitchen had fallen into a sinkhole. Two stars!" - Yelp

"You will die within 7 minutes." —Worst Magic 8-Ball ever, not even bothering to answer the question.

"DEATH TO THE INFIDEL, AND MAY ALLAH SMASH HIS FLESHY EVIL FACE, also these bitches oughta know, let's pop non-alcoholic bottles to his demise." —Osama Trim Laden, Saudi Arabia's hottest hip-hop star, completely misunderstanding the question.

"I'm just saying, if Les Miles had really wanted to win this game, he would've looked towards the sky and sought a divine exemption from the NCAA to start Tim Tebow for one game only." - Trent Dilfer, ESPN

"Too many harpsichords today" --Les Miles' confidante and spiritual advisor @Horse_ebooks

"LES MILES? MORE MORE LIKE TOO MANY MILES. SELL SELL SELL *BULL NOISE* THIS TEAM IS A REGULAR *PUNCHING BAG NOISE*. I'M GONNA HAVE TO BUMP DOWN THE BAYOU BENGALS TO A… DON'T BUY *BABY CRYING*" - Jim Cramer, Mad Money.

"This is probably over a girl, which would be the most sexist thing ever, not that we all haven't fucked a room full of football players at once. It's a natural part of your sexual maturation. Everyone has herpes." --Jezebel

"It probably had something to do with a gluten allergy." --Your friend who believes in every fucking diet ever and who also failed chemistry twice in college before switching to a communications major.

"YARRRR SNARRRGGGHH HIIICKKGGGHKHKH SNAARRRRLLL BARK BARK BARK WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!! [chews armpad off desk chair]" --Skip Bayless, First Take.

"Well, dat durr got the fiyah, and what de TAIGAH ain't got whatfor, cherrr. Dem Bama gators done caught ya with the nutz over the water, and hoooooweee dassa lunch you ain't wanna be no part of, ami." ---Local actor after three hours in a "Cajun dialect" session.

"OH GODDD… IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN… I CAN'T FEEL MY DICK." - Brian Kelly, Notre Dame head coach after suffering PTSD watching LSU's offense.

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--Google

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