THE CURIOUS INDEX, 1/16/2012

I LOVE TO TAKE A BATH IN A CASKET. The offseason drove us to the Golden Globes last night, but not without some serious dividends, like remembering that Morgan Freeman once played a bathing vampire on The Electric Company.

We're so sorry to ruin the "Morgan Freeman as God" facade for you, but he will always be Easy Reader to us. Well, that, and also the meanest pimp in the universe in Street Smart. Everyone involved with children's television in the 1970s was doing powerful drugs. Onward with football.

BRING DONUTS, KEEP COACHES. Derek Dooley likely doesn't do the things one needs to do to keep employees. The coffee at the Vols' offices probably sucks, the parking is likely a long walk away, all kinds of sites are restricted by Tennessee's prudish internet policies (YOUR PASTOR IS WATCHING YOU LOOK AT BRAZZERS) and Dooley never, ever brings donuts like Phil used to do. This can be the only explanation besides "people hate losing" for the loss of Lance Thompson to Alabama, and now Tennessee has lost a total of six coaches to other schools.

HE HAS NOT FORMALLY SAID FUCK CLEMSON YET. Oklahoma coordinator Brett Venables has visited Clemson, but has not decided on whether he is going to take the job or not. The recently vacated defensive coordinator's chair--still smoking from Kevin Steele's post-Orange Bowl conflagration--would likely be in the insanely overpaid range salary-wise, and would also not involve co-coaching with Mike Stoops, recently returned to Norman by brother Bob.

LOL SURE DARRON. This year's Jevan Snead? Oregon's Darron Thomas, who despite the entreaties of his coaches has decided to go pro because...um...he's like Cam Newton?

Thomas told ESPN on Saturday that he can "offer leadership, (a) winning attitude, hard work and I can make big plays. I saw what Cam Newton did this year. He took his raw talent and made a spark. I can do those things, too."

Hope is always the best policy in any situation, but no one said it was an accurate one. Thomas' likely replacements include Bryan Bennett, who looked great against Colorado like everyone does, and the Hawaiian qb Marcus Mariota, who one source in that Register-Guard article describes as "electrifying." We hope he means this literally, because the NCAA has no rules concerning the naturally conductive football player.

A RUNNING LIST SO YOU CAN LOOK AT YOUR DEPTH CHART AND WEEP. It's right here, and you should make use of it so you don't have that horrible moment in April when, discussing a position of need, you realize that the person you just said would be fine at middle linebacker is in fact struggling in a CFL camp.

MIKE SHERMAN'S KIND OF VERBOSE BUT ALSO IMMENSELY CLASSY. If the departing press conference didn't convince you that Mike Sherman's heart smells of rich mahogany, well, the letter he sent high school coaches after his firing should.

A SLIGHT IMPROVEMENT. Getting better, bit by bit, seems to be the way to improve college football's coaching diversity issue.

REGARDING SATURDAY'S GAMES. And lo did he walk into another bear trap placed by the wicked Belichick and/or a member of his coaching tree, and lo did our savior suffer.

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