Would you like to watch a football? Ok. Sounds reasonable enough. Well how would you like to lose a money on a football? If the answer to the first was "what?" and the second "HENH?!", then you're headed squarely in the right direction.
Last week provided a crash course in gamblolology. Surveying the damage, Week 1's trials and tribulations grade out as follows: 4-4 with respect to actual bets, and 8-4 if you count non-sensical propositions that I gamed solely for the lulz. Let us never forget -- this is my world, you're just stopping by for some of Mags' famous apple pie. Oh and sorry abou that; it was in the glass the whole time.
So what does Week 2 have in store? Why much of the same soul wrenching vapidness . It is thus perfect for faux degenerates like ourselves to dive into like Scrooge McDuck into a mountain of gold Krugerrands. As always, EDSBS only encourages law abiding activities. If the strictly-for-entertainment-purposes lunacy below inspires you in any way, shape, or form, please make sure you conduct any and all such business solely with one Ron Prince (and exclusively in the native currency of his fiefdom).
Central Michigan at Kentucky (-10.5) - 12 PM EDT - ESPNU (HD)
"You crazy for this one, Luke!" Oh, am I? Why yes. Yes I am. Kentucky looked Mike-Leach-as-Kentucky's-Head-Coach-in-2012 good last week while Central Michigan struggled through their own respective church carnival cake walk against South Carolina State ultimately prevailing by a final score of just 21-6. So when tickle fights break out, and the superior depth and athleticism possessing tickler is but a 10.5 tickle favorite, to whom do you turn?
Bet: Kentucky -10.5. Morgan Newton may be mortal, but he's not handicapped... Yet. We don't think.
Bet within a bet: Over/under Newton completion percentage: 53.5%. Over. Upward regression to the mean like a mufugher, y'all The 38% showing he put on display against Western was all part of a bizarre performance piece we'll look back on fondly in 20 years.
Bet within a bet within a bet: Former Kentucky head man Rich Brooks will give precisely this many fucks:
It's -600 because it's truth. Just go with it. That's how Coach Chillwave would play it.
Mississippi State at Auburn (+5.5) - 12:21 PM EDT - SEC Network/ESPN3
When I see this line, I feel like my eyes are about to line up and read "TILT" and my mouth is about to spit out all of the money in Binion's Casino. Don't get me wrong; Auburn will show signs of life they acted well above last week against vaunted football behemoth Utah State. Hell, Mississippi State may come in rather overconfident after their effortless victory against Memphis a week prior and a week spent watching the high comedy that was Auburn's game tape. That being said, a not particularly good/"young" defense is just that. And Barrett Trotter... That brain transplant unfortunately didn't take and sadly he's stuck that way.
Bet: Mississippi State -infinity. Oh, that's impossible you say? Well then let's go MSU -5.5. They will win (and possibly by plural touchdowns).
Bet within a bet: Vic Ballard rushing yards v. Chris Relf passing yards divided by 2. Tough call because I have a natural tendency to not be very good at comparing 2 large numbers (see what I did there?). No, let's say, for our purposes, let's go ahead and go with Relf/2. If a Houston product true freshman can do what he did against the Auburn secondary, Relf should have a pet name for it by the 4th quarter (and believe you me, it will not be Disney Channel chatroom appropriate).
Bet within a bet within a bet: Over/under the number of excuses made should Mississippi State win as expected? Survey says:
Hmm. Well, in full disclosure, I never really paid attention in Math 152 near as much as I should've (more of a "DRUG WARS" guy, really). Let's just go ahead and guess that the house means that infinity actually is in play here, for a change, because someone would have to spend literally every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every month of every year for the rest of their lives in order to count them all. Under, but only due to finite resources.
Alabama at Penn State (+10) - 3:30 PM EDT - ABC (HD)
Remember sitting around 5 or 6 years ago eyeballing this one and thinking "man, it's going to be crazy when an SEC team finally goes up to face a legitimate northern foe in their element with relatively equal strength teams in a game that may finally be indicative of the divide between the two conferences?" No? Bueller? Well, i suppose I did watch a lot of "Tom Goes To The Mayor" then. None the less, that harsh reality hasn't come to pass as Nick Saban has the Crimson Tide in the perennial national title conversation and Joe Pa has Penn State (I seriously almost typed peen; you laugh, but it could happen to you too) just doing the best darn jobs they possibly can. Last year's game in T-Town showed there's still quite the divide between these two, but like, the sun has to shine directly on a dog's rear once in a while, no?
Bet: Alabama (-10). And to think, I made you actually think about putting money on the Nittany Lions there for a second.
Bet within a bet: Higher YPC, Trent Richardson or Silas Redd? Go Richardson. He's too damn good to look that damn average two weeks in a row. And besides, Silas Redd sounds like a 70 year old riverboat gambler (and may secretly be; medical science is incredible in this day and age).
Bet within a bet within a bet:
T/F: The state trooper on the right frequents the dirtiest, freakiest underground dance club in the entire state of Alabama on the reg. True (-300). If looks could kill, he'd already have offed you -- and you'd have been begging him to do so.
Cincinnati at Tennessee (-4.5) - 3:30 PM EDT - ESPN2 (HD)
Oh, shit. What's that sound? Why it's our Admiral Ackbar/Antiquated Political News Aggregation Tool/7 alarm (2 beyond Tennessee's legal limit) TRAP ALERT!!
Bloggers and scribes from the derpiest corners of the interwebs to the most respected, talent rich space cantines are all picking the Bearscats in this one. "Precious is all hair, no coaching accumen," one Cool Guy Sports Blog Magazine tweeted. "It's true! I really didn't watch any of Cincinnati's 2010 season!" implied another prominent, well regarded, overweight Joe sportswriter with really bad hair.
Bet: Tennessee (-4.5). Because 9/10 pretend experts forgot who Butch Jones was for reasons unknown.
Bet within a bet: Over/under Tyler Bray touchdown passes: 2.5. Under. Tennessee may benefit from a 55-60% completion percentage day from their quarterback, but expect them to finish drives on the ground. Also: Tauren Poole.
Bet within a bet within a bet: T/F: This hat is a crime against meticulous parts everywhere:
The weird orange halo around the hat that may or may not actually be there makes this one suspect, but take the near enough to a sure thing 'True'. SPOILER: this casino only pays out in product.