As conference play begins this weekend, the SEC has released a few reminders and updates regarding player and spectator safety at various venues. Please keep these in mind and be cautious - the Truck Nutz you save may be your own!
DAVIS WADE STADIUM
- Fans are reminded that referring to any alcohol illicitly smuggled into the stadium as "Top-Relf Liquor" will NOT prevent your ejection by security.
- Cowbells are welcome, except for games in which Danny Kanell is working as a commentator, as this triggers a Pavlovian response in Mr. Kanell which compels him to pull out the hair of anyone sitting within his sight line.
- If you see Sylvester Croom rooting through concession garbage, call animal control. DO NOT approach Croom yourself, as you may be infected with CRabies (which has all the lethargy of traditional rabies but none of the mania).
- Please do not throw objects onto the field, as this may dislodge Coach Saban from his booster seat.
- We are aware that no regulation currently prohibits fans from wearing "just this ratty polo shirt and an adult diaper full of ice." We therefore appeal to whatever shred of common decency you have.
- Machetes are available at all concession stands in the event of Kudzu Monster attack.
- Reminder: lasers present a serious risk of blindness to players, officials, and other spectators!
- On the other hand, we do want you to be able to nail Mark Richt right in the apricot. Grazing an artery will merely cause a mess. So use your best judgment.
- As you leave the stadium, please be sure to dispose of all trash and deceased mascots.
- The Vol Navy is a valued part of Tennessee tradition, but please stop telling Holly Rowe you're promoting her to Rear Admiral.
- Pens are not allowed in Neyland Stadium, as Tyler Bray has proven he cannot be trusted with ink.
- Chemical tests have shown that Coach Dooley's hair is, in fact, not flammable. The 20-30 fans in attendance during the fourth quarter are encouraged to build campfires to fend off the crippling loneliness.
- Conversely, open fires are NOT PERMITTED in Tiger Stadium due to Coach Miles's doctor-recommended diet of Duraflame logs.
- "V" sales will stop at the end of the third quarter.
- Tailgates without the proper permits for Gladiatorial Combat With Animals (available as Form 223.B at the Baton Rouge Fire Department) will be asked to use nets and shields only.
DONALD W. REYNOLDS RAZORBACK STADIUM
- Parents are reminded not to bring infants or toddlers within harpoon range of any box occupied by Jerry Jones.
- The "PigScreen" in the North End Zone is not edible, so please stop asking.
- Fans, please do not give any money to Matt Jones. He is not just using it to "get his mind right and turn things around."
BEN HILL GRIFFIN STADIUM
- Simply Orange and Red Baron are, respectively, the official orange juice and pizza of the Gators. Nonetheless, we have eliminated sales of the "Screwdriver 'n Six-Meat Special" because it is a bitch to clean that puke up.
- Mirrors are not permitted in the stadium; if Coach Muschamp sees one, he will mistake his reflection for an enemy and head-butt it until either the mirror is destroyed or he loses consciousness.
- Fans ejected from the stadium will be offered a full scholarship at the University of North Alabama.
- Though fans who exit the stadium will not be allowed reentry, you do not need to tell the ticket takers that you "mistakenly thought this was the Toby Keith concert and must have gotten your dates mixed up" when you leave.
- Please do not throw cash at the players in a desperate attempt to instigate an NCAA investigation just so somebody talks about Vandy for once.
- Any complaints should be sent to the following address:Brandon Tutwiler
Sophomore (major undeclared)/Head of Vanderbilt Athletics
- Please have photo ID ready, as the FDA has requested that we at least stop selling illegal prescription drugs to minors.
- Sunscreen will be available at all day games, courtesy of the Cecil Newton Fuck Sunshine Laws Foundation.
- We ask that you refrain from wearing bracelets engraved with "WDE," as medical personnel with relatively little football knowledge may mistakenly interpret this to be an alert bracelet indicating a Whipple's disease emergency.
- Rich Brooks is a certified EMT. He will also let you die without batting an eyelash.
- Fans are reminded to keep their ticket stubs from the Tennessee game. In the event the Wildcats beat the Vols, these will be redeemable for membership in the Peerage of Scotland, a free helicopter, $500,000, and eternal youth
- For the sake of Morgan Newton's safety, please refrain from flash photography, making loud noises, or looking at the field when the offense is at work.
- Agreeing to party with Stephen Garcia will render you ineligible from ever being an organ donor or recipient.
- Please disregard any fans who insist that all laws, state and federal, are suspended during television timeouts.
- Ticket-holders in the south end zone are asked to refrain from entering the stadium prior to kickoff as we cannot guarantee your safety if Coach Spurrier decides to get a little 7-iron practice in.
- We would like to reiterate that spectators who bring bear carcasses to the stadium will be denied entry. (This will also not bring back Colonel Reb.)
- Making direct eye contact with Coach Nutt may result in immediate rapture.
- In the event that the stadium needs to be evacuated, please, someone remember to get Barry Brunetti. He's a person, too.