I CALL HIM GAMBLOR: WEEK 1

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Day one of the first day of the rest of your 2011 college football season is in the books. If you had money on the college football's first day, you have a problem. You have a problem but you may potentially also be some kind of ubermensch and I'd like to start a support group for the like of us. Twenty million blog years ago (read: the previous two years), I did a weekly picks column for internet sporting blog ElevenWarriors. In an abbreviated year one, I finished a Steele'ian 73% against the spread and would've made some crazy loot had anything more than wit and candor been on the line. In year two, I finished... Somewhere around 48%. A net loss, but still, a non-embarrassing effort as a whole. 

Today we launch a bold new era in gambling stupidity. To the victor goes the spoils. As per usual, EDSBS does not condone nor encourage gambling in any way, shape, or form unless it involves betting bread so you can feed multiple starving families in addition to your own or your bookie accepts WillyBucks.

Friday - Texas Christian at Baylor (+3.5), 8:00 PM - ESPN (HD)

Robert Griffin III and Baylor play host to defending Rose Bowl champs TCU in a game you want no part of. Art Briles' Bears have everything you want in a football team: sneaky athleticism for a fringe bowl team, a timing based offense designed to keep a defense on their heels, and a boring enough hometown to keep players from doing anything more rebellious than holding hands in public or skipping chapel. Texas Christian comes off the most high profile season for the school in the modern era but also brings an incredibly young team to Waco. None the less, a one score game is far more unnerving than the 20-30 pointers we're accustomed to on opening weekend.

Bet: Baylor +3.5. The Southwest Conference's rebirth depends on it.

Bet within a bet: Robert Griffin O/U 65% completion percentage: Under. Week one with an offense not yet into rhythm means even mediocre defenses (I see you, Fightin' Kiges) can cause offenses fits, much less well oiled defensive machines like the blood-squirting-out-their-eyes Horned Frogs.

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Bet within a bet within a bet: Gary Patterson wears a plaid blazer to the post game presser: yes/no. No, though swag is swag. Much respects.

UCLA at Houston (-3) - 3:30 PM - FSN (HD)

PIstol Rick (pew pew) and his perpetually walking wounded head down to Space City (lolz; not even NASA calls it that) to do it up with Kevin Sumlin, 36 year old journeyman Case Keenum, and the Houston Cougars. UCLA brings in that Pac-12 talent (or something), and as such, are only 3 point underdogs despite Houston being quantifiably better at the whole football part of the equation. You have to feel for Rick Neuheisel, you really do, and perhaps by jettisoning Norm Chow to be ripped by the vicious SLC media, we'll see prettiest belle at the ball return from pumpkin status (SPOILER: still probably not).

Bet: Houston -3. Case Keenum's sexy time explosion translates directly to the field.

Bet within a bet: Keenum O/U 3 passing TDs: Over. Did we mention he sleeps in a clear plastic shower curtain to fuel his sexual prowess?

Bet within a bet within a bet: You can listen to "Who's That Girl" without thinking of the most beautiful coach in the world, Pistol Rick: true/false. False. Pay to the order of your arrogance on that one. Stop kidding yourself.

 

Minnesota at USC (-24) - 3:30 PM - ABC or ESPN2 (HD)

Jerry Kill. Lane Kiffin. One of these two men has overcome cancer and can coach football. The other has colorfully been called a cancer and is regarded for his football accumen only according to legend. SC looked sloppy against a terrible, awful, no good, very bad Tim Brewster (TRY! FIGHT! FIRED!) Gophers team a year prior. While USC actually spent the summer tackling for a change this year, and even though by all accounts they can't logically be any worse defensively... Week 1? Lane Kiffin? Week 1? Lane Kiffin? Dental plan?

Bet: Minnesota +24. Who cares if MarQueis Gray isn't quite ready for prime time? Matt Barkley is some NFL team's future salvation, but USC is still a ways from the Carroll glory days.

Bet within a bet: Who will have the most receiving yards in week one: Chris Owusu (Stanford), Jermaine Kearse (Washington), or Robert Woods (USC)? Owusu. Because Andrew Luck's father Oliver had scientists attach a Game Genie to his brain 21 years ago.

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Bet within a bet within a bet: Kiffykins will have these bad boys surgically attached to his face by year's end to maximize his personal brand? Yes/no. Yes would be the easy money, but go with the high stakes 'no', just for the bold life's sake.

Oregon vs. LSU (+4), from JerryWorld - 8:00 PM - ABC (HD)

Gambling and Les Miles is not unlike sending children to play soccer in a land field: in other words, hilarious. I'd feel far more confident pissing caution to the wind, living just like Les would want me to and go with the Tigers had, you know, Jordan Jefferson and Russell Shepard not each gone full blown tardmo weeks prior to kick off. Break-in-case-of-emergency fill-in Jarrett Lee is from Brenham, Texas. They manufacture Blue Bell Ice Cream there. Blue Bell Ice Cream:A quarterback not named Jarrett Lee::Safeway Select Vanilla:Jarrett Lee. Q.E.D.

Bet: Oregon -4. Not only are they a trendy pick around the EDSBS offices, but Chip Kelly may or may not be a member of the Illuminati.

Bet within a bet: Which will be higher? LaMichael James average yards per carry vs. Virginia earthquake magnitude (5.8): Take the earthquake. LaMichael James is scary quick but he'll have to start using teammate Cliff Harris' appetite supplements to get the size necessary to register on the richter scale.

Bet within a bet within a bet: 

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Thanks for the tip, Coach.

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