TEXAS A&M TO STAY IN COLLEGE STATION

AP--COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS. Despite swirling rumors about a move to the Southeastern Conference, sources at Texas A&M University confirmed their commitment to staying in College Station, Texas.

"I know people like to talk, but I can't say it enough times, I guess: Texas A&M is staying put right where it is," said Texas A&M University President Dr. R. Bowen Loftin in a press conference this afternoon. "We're happy here. We're thriving here. And no matter what anyone says, this University is going to remain exactly where it is, anchored to the good earth of College Station, Texas."

Reporters pressed Loftin on reports that Texas A&M was looking into accepting a bid from the SEC to join the college football power conference. Officials at Texas A&M are allegedly unhappy with the power dynamics of the Big 12 conference, particularly the creation of the Longhorn Network by ESPN and the University of Texas. 

Loftin denied these allegations.

"We can't control what Texas does. We also are happy where we are, and by that I mean where we physically are. I like that mailbox over there just where it is, and that flagpole right there. I've got a parking spot, guys. A nice one. It'd be a shame to lose that on a professional and personal level."

Other sources confirmed Texas A&M's commitment to staying where they are. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one higher-up at the school said logistics play a large part in the school's decision.

"These buildings are heavy. They don't have wheels, and it would be a lot of work to move them. Many of us live here, and most of us don't want to move."

The source also mentioned another unanticipated consequence of any possible move.

"All of our mail comes here, too. I hadn't even thought about what a pickle that would present, you know?"

Texas A&M Football Coach Mike Sherman, reached by phone on Tuesday afternoon,was equally unmoved by rumormongering.

"What is the Southeastern conference?" Sherman said before dozing off on the phone with reporters and snoring loudly for several mintues until the call ended.

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